GRIEF
About grief
Stages of Grief
The work of grief cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more. It may be the purest pain you have ever known. What is happening to you (as a crime victim) is, of all things, natural.
The following are stages of grief commonly experienced. You may not experience all of these, and you may not experience them in this order. It is important to realize, however, that what you are feeling is NATURAL; and with TIME, you will begin to heal.
Shock:
Some people experience shock after a crime, saying things like "I feel numb," and displaying no tears or emotion. Sometimes there is denial. Gradually the bereaved become aware of what has happened, and they are able to express their emotions. Other people don't go through a prolonged stage of shock. They are able to express their emotions immediately.
Emotional Release:
At some point a person begins to feel and to hurt. It is very important not to suppress your feelings (anger, sadness, fear, etc). Suppressed feelings often surface at a later time in unhealthy ways. Shared feelings are a gift, and bring a closeness to all involved.
Preoccupation:
Despite efforts to think of other things, a grieving person may find it difficult to shift his/her mind from thoughts about the crime. This is not unusual and, with time, should not be a problem.
Physical and Emotional Distress:
These distresses may come in waves, some lasting from 20 minutes to a full hour. The most common physical distresses are:
Hostile Reactions:
You may catch yourself responding with a great deal of anger to situations that previously would not have bothered you at all. These feelings can be surprising and they often make people feel that they are going insane. Anger may be directed at loved ones, friends, the doctor, the nurse, God, or the minister.
Often, too, there may be feelings, of hurt or of hostility toward family members who do not, or for various reasons cannot, provide the emotional support the grieving person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal. Do not suppress your anger. However, it is important that you understand and direct your anger toward what you are really angry at, the fact that you've been victimized.
Guilt:
There is almost always some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have done, but didn't. They accuse themselves of negligence. It is important to remember that something was done to you. You are the victim, not the perpetrator. Guilt is normal and should pass with time.
Depression:
Many grieving people feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or have little family. These feelings are normal and should also pass with time.
Withdrawal:
The grieving person often tends to withdraw from social relationships. Their daily routines are often disrupted as well. Life seems like a bad dream. This is normal and will take some effort to overcome.
Re-entering Relationships:
After time, effort, airing of feelings, and a lot of love- the grieving person readjusts to his/her environment, re-establishes old relationships and begins to form new ones.
Resolution and Readjustment:
This comes gradually, the memories are still there- the love is still there- but the one begins to heal. You begin to get on with your life. It is hard to believe now- but you will be better. By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
You may find it helpful to put your thoughts about the crime down on paper. Sometimes people will write to the person they've lost, expressing their thoughts and feelings:
What I wish I had said or hadn't.
Ways in which you will continue to live on in me.
Choose ideas that have significance for you- ideas specific to your situation and relationship.
Some people simply use a journal as a place to express their feelings after a loss; their confusion and pain. A journal can help you work through your grief by giving you an outlet and way to express yourself. Once that is done, it can help you move on.
(Reprinted with permission from the Putnam County Chapter of the Compassionate Friends, Inc. August 2000 newsletter)
Common Responses to Grief
(reprinted with permission from the Putnam County Chapter of the Compassionate Friends, Inc. August 2000 newsletter)
Dealing with Grief
Grief takes time to heal. There is no quick fix and no easy remedy. However, there are some ways of coping and things to remember that will help you in your time of sorrow and recovery. Here are a few:
Every person deals with grief differently. Therefore, there are no concrete ways to deal with a frend or loved one who is suffering from a loss. Below are suggestions, both of ways to help and things to avoid doing or saying.
Ways to Help
There are some special considerations in dealing with men and children who are suffering from grief.
Men:
Walton, Charlie. When There Are No Words: Finding Your Way to Cope with Loss & Grief. Pathfinders Publishing of California. Ventura, CA, 1996.
The work of grief cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more. It may be the purest pain you have ever known. What is happening to you (as a crime victim) is, of all things, natural.
The following are stages of grief commonly experienced. You may not experience all of these, and you may not experience them in this order. It is important to realize, however, that what you are feeling is NATURAL; and with TIME, you will begin to heal.
Shock:
Some people experience shock after a crime, saying things like "I feel numb," and displaying no tears or emotion. Sometimes there is denial. Gradually the bereaved become aware of what has happened, and they are able to express their emotions. Other people don't go through a prolonged stage of shock. They are able to express their emotions immediately.
Emotional Release:
At some point a person begins to feel and to hurt. It is very important not to suppress your feelings (anger, sadness, fear, etc). Suppressed feelings often surface at a later time in unhealthy ways. Shared feelings are a gift, and bring a closeness to all involved.
Preoccupation:
Despite efforts to think of other things, a grieving person may find it difficult to shift his/her mind from thoughts about the crime. This is not unusual and, with time, should not be a problem.
Physical and Emotional Distress:
These distresses may come in waves, some lasting from 20 minutes to a full hour. The most common physical distresses are:
- Sleeplessness
- Tightness in the throat
- Choking feeling, shortness of breath
- A need for sighing
- An empty hollow feeling in stomach
- Lack of muscular power (e.g. "It's almost impossible to climb the stairs. Everything I lift seems so heavy.")
- Digestive symptoms; poor appetite
- A slight sense of unreality
- Feelings of emotional distance from people- that no one really cares
- Sometimes people appear shadowy or very small
- Feelings of panic; thoughts of self-destruction, or the desire to run away or "chuck it all"
Hostile Reactions:
You may catch yourself responding with a great deal of anger to situations that previously would not have bothered you at all. These feelings can be surprising and they often make people feel that they are going insane. Anger may be directed at loved ones, friends, the doctor, the nurse, God, or the minister.
Often, too, there may be feelings, of hurt or of hostility toward family members who do not, or for various reasons cannot, provide the emotional support the grieving person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal. Do not suppress your anger. However, it is important that you understand and direct your anger toward what you are really angry at, the fact that you've been victimized.
Guilt:
There is almost always some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have done, but didn't. They accuse themselves of negligence. It is important to remember that something was done to you. You are the victim, not the perpetrator. Guilt is normal and should pass with time.
Depression:
Many grieving people feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or have little family. These feelings are normal and should also pass with time.
Withdrawal:
The grieving person often tends to withdraw from social relationships. Their daily routines are often disrupted as well. Life seems like a bad dream. This is normal and will take some effort to overcome.
Re-entering Relationships:
After time, effort, airing of feelings, and a lot of love- the grieving person readjusts to his/her environment, re-establishes old relationships and begins to form new ones.
Resolution and Readjustment:
This comes gradually, the memories are still there- the love is still there- but the one begins to heal. You begin to get on with your life. It is hard to believe now- but you will be better. By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
You may find it helpful to put your thoughts about the crime down on paper. Sometimes people will write to the person they've lost, expressing their thoughts and feelings:
What I wish I had said or hadn't.
Ways in which you will continue to live on in me.
Choose ideas that have significance for you- ideas specific to your situation and relationship.
Some people simply use a journal as a place to express their feelings after a loss; their confusion and pain. A journal can help you work through your grief by giving you an outlet and way to express yourself. Once that is done, it can help you move on.
(Reprinted with permission from the Putnam County Chapter of the Compassionate Friends, Inc. August 2000 newsletter)
Common Responses to Grief
- A feeling of tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest.
- An empty feeling in the stomach and loss of appetite.
- Restlessness and a need for activity, accompanied by the inability to concentrate.
- A feeling that the loss isn't real, that it didn't actually happen.
- A sense of your lost one's presence, like finding yourself expecting them to walk in the door at the same time, hearing their voice, or seeing their face.
- Aimless wandering, forgetfulness, inability to finish things you've started to do around the house.
- Difficulty sleeping, frequent dreams about the crime or crime-related.
- A tendency to assume the mannerisms or traits of your deceased loved one.
- An intense pre-occupation with the life of your deceased loved one.
- Intense anger at your loved one for leaving you.
- A need to take of other people around you, by politely not talking about your feelings regarding the crime.
- A need to tell and re-tell and remember things about the deceased or the crime.
- Crying at unexpected times.
(reprinted with permission from the Putnam County Chapter of the Compassionate Friends, Inc. August 2000 newsletter)
Dealing with Grief
Grief takes time to heal. There is no quick fix and no easy remedy. However, there are some ways of coping and things to remember that will help you in your time of sorrow and recovery. Here are a few:
- Trust yourself. You are the best judge of what you need. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
- Rely on friends and family. Surround yourself with people who listen to you without interruption or interpretation.
- Join a bereavement group. Though we often feel alone after victimization, we are not. There is support from others available.
- Be patient with yourself. Recovering is a slow process, little by little.
- Take physical care of yourself. Rest, exercise and healthy meals are more important now than ever before.
- Read about the grief process. Educate yourself about the emotions that you may be experiencing.
- Talk about your feelings. Bottling up emotions only hinders healing.
- Get in touch with nature. Many people find walks, hikes and even gardening bring peace.
- Resume your daily routine. The daily responsibilities can provide you with a break from grieving by distracting your energies.
- Postpone major decisions. Unless necessary, don't sell your house, quit your job, or make other life changing decisions.
- Plan ahead for special days. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays are difficult. Plan ahead as to how you can best deal with them.
- Don't judge yourself too harshly. Often times victims ask themselves, "Why am I not over this yet?" Every one takes their own time to grieve. You don't ever "get over it." You learn to live with it.
Every person deals with grief differently. Therefore, there are no concrete ways to deal with a frend or loved one who is suffering from a loss. Below are suggestions, both of ways to help and things to avoid doing or saying.
Ways to Help
- Listen to them. Do not offer anecdotes from your own life or interpretations of how they should feel or what they should think. Be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.
- Don't set down a timetable of grief. Your friend or loved one may not be "over it" in a month, six months or a year. Each person takes their own amount of time to bring their own personal grief to an end. It's also important to know that a grieving victim will never "get over it." They will simply learn to live with it.
- Invite your friend out for dinner, a movie, or to your house. They may or may not take you up on the offer, but they will appreciate it.
- Offer concretes. Most people who want to help say, "What can I do?" Instead offer your help. If you cook, offer to bring dinner and suggest the days and times you can do it. If you have technical skills, offer to look at their car, repair the washing machine, etc. You can also offer to run errands, pick up their children at school, shop for groceries, return their books to the library, etc.
- Offer to go to the bereavement support groups with them. This shows your support and eases them into the group with comfort.
- Talk about the crime and/or the deceased. In this way the griever will know that their loved one has not been forgotten.
- Send a note of encouragement periodically and notes of condolences on important dates such as anniversaries or birthdays.
- Don't' use phrases like, "I know exactly what you're feeling" or "It was God's will." These phrases don't help and could alienate you from the victim.
- Most importantly, be patient. Healing takes time and support.
There are some special considerations in dealing with men and children who are suffering from grief.
Men:
- Give him permission to cry. Men often feel that they will appear less of a person if they are seen crying or grieving. Sometimes a comment as little as, "Let it out." or "You shouldn't keep those feelings bottled up," is enough to let him know that you think it's alright from him to grieve openly. The real strength and courage is not in holding in the tears but letting them go and showing your vulnerability.
- Don't expect the same reaction from him that you would from a woman. Men don't cry as openly and don't show their emotions. But that doesn't mean he isn't grieving. He is upset.
- Recommend that he spends time with male friends. Hopefully they can open up to one another, making him feel not so alone.
- Children need to know why you are sad, others are sad and why they are sad. Acknowledging this lets them know that they're feelings are appropriate.
- Let the child know that it is the crime that has made you sad. Children often mis-interrupt our behavior and emotions. If not explained, they may think that your grief was caused by something they did or didn't do. Let them know with such phrases as, "Mommy and Daddy are sad because..." or "A very sad thing has happened..."
Walton, Charlie. When There Are No Words: Finding Your Way to Cope with Loss & Grief. Pathfinders Publishing of California. Ventura, CA, 1996.