Getting Help Prevention Stalker Profile/Behavior Stalking

• The Stalking Victim
• Prevention Techniques
• Living Safely

When examining the stalker's patterns, it is also helpful to look at some of the patterns that victims of stalking might experience. Victims respond not with a single reaction but with a progression of emotions. (Keep in mind the following are stages, and a victim can go back and forth between stages, or go through emotions in a different order.)

Being stalked is a little different than losing a loved one since stalking victims participate (however unwillingly) in the crime. Therefore, according to Linden Gross, author of To Have or to Harm, stalking victims usually experience the added emotions of depression, anxiety and fear.

Denial:

During the stages of emotions, stalking victims often hope that things will just go away, or that this isn't really happening. By doubting their own reality, they have begun to doubt themselves. In one quick step, they are at a disadvantage.

Bargaining:

Many stalking victims believe that if they could just appease the stalker, then maybe he'll be satisfied or bored and leave them alone. But the demands escalate. And now there is an established precedent, the stalker expects the victim to continue to respond in similar fashion.

Anxiety:

Never knowing when or where the stalker is going to turn up or what they are going to do next, the victim can think of little else. The more frightened the victim becomes, the more debilitating the anxiety. In trying to cope with the situation and manage their emotions the victim basically start to short circuit. "You're using so much mental energy that you begin to eat up your supply of neural transmitters," explains Dan Coler, a Richmond, Virginia, psychotherapist. At which point the synapses of your brain start shutting down and large parts of your brain just stop functioning. Suddenly you can't concentrate. You feel like you're an ant struggling to carry a matchstick. Little things that never bothered you before are major catastrophes.

Exhausted:

The victim has no resources left. "That's when the depression hits, so profound they feel like you're in a deep dark hole that you can never climb out of. Self-esteem begins to disintegrate. They can't function normally. Recurrent nightmares, sleep and eating disorders, and a growing sense of apprehension about everything afflict the victim.

Self-Blame:

You begin to wonder why this has happened to you, what you did to encourage it. Should you have said yes to the stalker? Should you have said no more firmly? If you had just walked the other way, taken another job, or married someone more suitable, none of this would have happened, you reason. The stalker, as if to cement those notions of culpability, goes after someone close to your - maybe the person you're dating or your mother. "You can't control what they do," says the therapist you've started to see. It doesn't help.

Anger:

With time you begin to realize that you're not to blame. As with the rapist, the stalker's act is what counts. You just happened to be there. The more fully you acknowledge how little the situation actually has to do with you, the harder it is to tolerate the impact the stalker has had on your life. You get angry - so angry that you're ready to do almost anything to get the stalker out of your life.

Acceptance:

Finally, you accept what your life has become. And while you mourn the innocence, trust, and insouciance that you've lost, you can now start to deal with your situation objectively.

Information and quotations taken from To Have or to Harm by Linden Gross Chapter VI: "The Obsessive Interaction."

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People often think they are being nice when they try to "let someone down easily". This is a mistake!

"A woman must be definitive and show in every way she means she wants no more involvement" (deBecker 1997)

Once you decide you don't want to remain in the relationship - do not negotiate!

Example: I don't want to be in a relationship right now" is heard by the stalker as "right now" - this means the door is open for a relationship in the future. The statement should be, "I don't want a relationship with you. Now or in the future."

Never explain why you don't want to be in a relationship; simply make it clear you have thought your decision through and that is a final decision.

Be aware that your risk level may increase if you are a celebrity, have recently rejected a partner, or are a mental health professional or other person who comes into contact with isolated persons whose sympathy and attentions are easily misconstrued as romantic interest.
Arrange for a "phone trap" to be placed on your phone line through your phone company.

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Living Safely

You must prepare to be safe. Prevention is always better than reaction. Learn to practice safety every single day! While things like personal alarms, tear gas, a weapon or even self-defense tactics may help in a bad situation, it is important to understand they are all reactive…designed to be utilized when a problem is actually occurring. It is significantly more effective to prevent the problem from occurring in the first place.

Undeniably, crime is a concern for all of us. However, you can lessen your risk of becoming a victim. The following information, while not all-inclusive, will provide valuable suggestions in regard to making yourself and your family safer. Nothing is 100% effective. However, well-learned and utilized safety tips will certainly improve your opportunity to…Live Safely!

Before we look at specific safety suggestions, it is important to understand that there are two absolute rules for safety. They are:

1. Be Aware!
   
2. Have A Plan!
   

We must be aware (so that we will have an opportunity to recognize a potential safety risk before it develops) and we must have a plan so that we will know what to do or in other words, how to properly react to a perceived safety risk. The reality is we perform what we practice.

This is not about becoming paranoid! Most of us wear our seat belts, or use other safety equipment...not because we are fearful of having an accident, but because we recognize that being prepared improves our chances for being safer regardless of what might occur. It is just good common sense.

Most human predators are creatures of opportunity, and in their own way, sensible. While not always possible, it is preferable to avoid providing the opportunity to become a crime victim in the first place. Prevention is always preferable.

General Safety Tips

• Stand tall and walk with confidence. Don't appear to be a willing target. Always be aware of what is going on around you.
  
• When walking, stick to well-lighted and busy streets. Walk with a friend(s). Avoid shortcuts through dark alleys or deserted streets.
  
• If harassed by someone in a car, walk quickly or run in the opposite direction to safety. If you become frightened, yell…don't scream for help.
  
• Never hitchhike. Accept rides only from people you know and trust.
  
• Don't flash your cash. Carry only the money and/or credit cards you will be needing for the day. Avoid carrying irreplaceable personal belongings in your purse. Ask yourself if you can accept losing the things you are carrying. Always have change available for an emergency telephone call.
  
• Know your neighborhood. It seems simple, yet we often do not know what hour's stores, restaurants or gas stations are open. Do you know where your neighborhood police and fire stations are located? How about 24-hour grocery stores, Emergency Rooms, and gas stations? These are places you may wish to go in the case of an emergency.
  
• If you go out for late night snacks, movies or errands, avoid going by yourself. Most assaults happen to a lone victim.
  

Let someone know where you are going and when you will return. Call if you are going to be late.

Getting Into Your Vehicle

• At night, park in a well-lighted area.
  
• Be aware of your surroundings.
  
• Have your keys ready in hand.
  
• Look for anyone near your car or near you.
  
• Check the interior of your car before entering.
  
• At home, lock doors before opening the garage door to leave.
  
• Keep your car in working order at all times.
  
• Never let the gas tank get below half full.
  

If Confronted Getting Out Of Your Car

• Avoid any verbal/physical confrontation.
  
• Cooperate...move quickly away from your car.
  
• Walk/run away from the immediate area.
  
• Call the Police immediately.
  
• Provide the descriptions of suspect(s) and/or vehicle(s).
  

When Driving

• Plan your route.
  
• Try not to travel alone.
  
• Keep your door locked and your windows rolled up. If you do not have air-conditioning, then at least keep the windows rolled up enough to make it difficult for someone to reach inside and grab your purse, wallet or keys, or you!
  
• Don't drive in unfamiliar areas. Avoid "trouble" areas.
  
• Look in the rear view mirror often and watch around you-stay alert!
  
• Always leave room ahead of your car to escape (don't box yourself in).
  
• Do not stop to help stranded drivers- call the police for them.
  
• If affordable, a cellular phone can be a valuable safety tool.
  
  

Carjacking

Carjacking is a growing concern for many Americans. While percentage wise, the risk remains comparatively small, it is worthy of consideration. The American Automobile Association suggests:

• Be aware! Choose well-lighted, well-traveled facilities when stopping and try to park in a well-lighted area where the service station employees or other motorists can see you.
  
• When returning home, be aware of all vehicles and pedestrians. Keep your home and your driveway well-lighted. Beep your horn and have someone inside turn on lights and/or open the door.
  
• Be careful after a minor rear-end accident. If you are bumped from behind and the circumstances are suspicious, motion to the other driver to follow you to the nearest police station, 24-hour store or service station, hospital or fire station.
  
• Keep your vehicle locked and your windows rolled up. Not every car has air-conditions, but keep windows rolled up enough so it will be more difficult for someone to reach inside and take your purse, wallet or keys.
  
• If your believe that you are being followed…do not go home! Drive to the door of the nearest police or fire station, 24-hour store, service station or hospital emergency room and summon help. If the person who followed you is nearby, honk your horn until people come to your aid.
  
• Be certain that your car is in good working order and that you have enough fuel to get where you are going.
  

Remember, the primary rule: "If a bad guy wants your car (property), give it up."

When Jogging or Bicycling

• Go with a friend and take familiar, well-traveled routes.
  
• Don't jog or bike at night (particularly not alone).
  
• Try riding or running without stereo headphones. It is safer to remain alert to what is around (and behind) you.
  

Parking Lot Security

• Use your senses- Sight, Hearing and smell. In most cases, these are your only tools. As always, stay alert to your surroundings.
  
• Park in well-lighted areas.
  
• Lock your car doors at all times. Do not leave valuables inside your car...lock them in the trunk.
  
• Have your keys ready in hand when approaching your car.
  
• Be aware of what is going on around you... people near your car or you, etc. If you are threatened, in a commanding voice say something such as "What do you want?! Get away from me!" You might also yell "fire" or anything else to draw attention. You must communicate forcefully.
  
• Don't take chances! You do not have to get out of your car if you do not feel safe. If unsure, drive up to the front of a store business and summon help...then notify police.
  
• Do not overload yourself with packages or bundles. Lessen the time it takes to get into your car.
  
• Carry only the items you need in your purse and carry your purse under your coat or close to your body. Don't leave your purse lying around. Consider wearing a belt bag or "fanny pack". Record all credit card and bank account numbers in case of theft.
  
• If you work late or at inconvenient times, for safety call ahead and let someone know when you will be arriving and have them look out for you.
  
• You may wish to consider carrying a can of tear gas. If so, you need to try it before you need it. How far does it spray? Is it a stream or a fog pattern? Equally important, the tear gas must be in your hand (not in the bottom of your purse or briefcase) when you are in a situation and/or area where you might be needing it. Probably the "best" type today is OC (oleoresin capsicum) or pepper gas.
  
• When walking to your car, whether at night or during the day, try to walk with others. Again, if you become suspicious or concerned, do not go out to your car at that time. If available, ask a security officer to accompany you to the car.
  
• If someone attempts to force you into a car (yours or theirs), do not go! Run! Yell! But at all costs, do not get into a car with an armed assailant. While some may disagree (and it is your decision), it appears your chances of survival are better if you do not get into the car.
  
  
• If you do become a crime victim, try to remain calm. Get a suspect description and notify the police immediately.
  
• For businesses, consider holding store meetings or safety seminars on a routine basis. Discuss problems and make suggestions. Awareness, communication and education are crime prevention tools.
  

Some other personal safety considerations would have to include the specific street crimes of strong-arm robbery, purse snatching and armed robbery.

Purse snatch, the most frequent, is usually a hit and run operation in which speed is of the essence. Most purse-snatchers are fleet footed teenagers who take advantage of an opportunity. By carrying your purse under your coat or close to your body (not dangling from your hand or arm), you already lessen the risk. As stated previously, avoid carrying irreplaceable items and unnecessary cash or credit cards as well. Minimize the loss if you should become a victim.

A strong-arm robbery or "mugging" is robbing by force or threat of force while armed robbery involves the use of a weapon, usually a knife or gun. Again, carry no more cash or credit cards then are actually needed. Be alert.

When walking, don't give people opportunities to commit crimes. Stay away from buildings and walk next to the street. If followed by a car, turn and walk quickly in the other direction.

Be aware of where you are and where you are going. Don't flash your cash or other valuables. Avoid traveling alone. Avoid dark places, short cuts, alleys, thick trees or bushes and sparsely traveled areas. Have your keys ready at hand.

Understand that to resist a thief is a personal decision. However, if confronted by a weapon, consider if what you are protecting is worth the risk. But always, prevention is the key to living safer.

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