When supporting a survivor of a sexual assault, try not to be judgmental or take control. Even when we know a lot about sexual assault, we bring our own values and prejudices to all situations. A sympathetic ear can make a big difference in the recovery process.
Suggestions Of Things To Say
- "I'm glad you're alive."
- "It wasn't your fault."
- "I'm sorry it happened."
- "You did the best you could."
Guidelines For Helping Survivors
- Do...be a good listener
Don't...do all of the talking
- Do...assist in getting the help the survivor needs and wants (providing phone numbers, information, transportation, etc.)
Don't...give the survivor advice or make decisions for her
- Do...help the survivor overcome feelings of guilt for not fighting back (by explaining that fear often inhibits people and that cooperation does not mean consent)
Don't...tell the survivor what you would have done in her situation ...ask why she didn't scream, fight, or run
- Do...minimize the number of times that the survivor must tell her story of the assault
Don't...prevent the survivor from talking about the assault if she wants to
- Do...assure the survivor that the assault was not her fault, that no one asks to be assaulted, and that no one deserves to be violated.
Don't...ask why she was walking alone at night or why she went out ...ask the survivor if she did anything to "lead the perpetrator on"
- Do...help the survivor know that this experience will disrupt her life, but she will recover
Don't...encourage the survivor to "just forget about it"
- Do...express support both verbally and nonverbally
Don't...stare or invade the survivor's personal space
Adapted from "What to Say and What Not to Say to a Survivor of Sexual Assault." UM Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center, Ann Arbor, MI.
Victim's Response. . .Fear
- Helper's Intervention
- Remain with the victim.
- Give clear, concise explanations of what to expect.
- Allow extra time for expression of feelings.
- Without making unrealistic promises, reassure the victim that she is now safe.
- Share relevant information to help alleviate the overwhelming fear.
Victim's Response. . .Shock, Disbelief, And Denial
- Helper's Intervention
- Acknowledge that it is difficult for her to accept the fact that she has been raped.
- Listen empathetically and help her to express her feelings.
- Let her know that her response is normal and that she is not "going crazy."
Victim's Response. . . Anxiety
- Helper's Intervention
- Focus on here-and-now events and feelings; don't get caught in past and future.
- Be calm, kind, supportive, and reassuring; let her know that others have survived and she can too.
- Provide the information she needs to make decisions.
- Provide reality-oriented conversation and share your observations.
- Focus on here-and-now events and feelings; don't get caught in past and future.
Victim's Response . . . Guilt and Self-Blame
- Helper's Intervention
- Help her distinguish between poor judgments and the rapist's judgments and the rapist's responsibility for the assault.
- Redirect anger from herself toward the rapist.
- Dispel the myths that she is buying into.
- While sharing your understanding of why she feels that way, do not join in with her.
- Be especially aware of your own judgments.
- Help her distinguish between poor judgments and the rapist's judgments and the rapist's responsibility for the assault.
Victim's Response. . . Compulsive Repetitions
- Helper's Intervention
- Let her know that nightmares and flashbacks are common responses and that they will pass, although there is no set time when this will occur.
- Provide appropriate referrals to long term counseling with a professional psychologist.
- Avoid interpretation of dreams, etc.
- Continue to be patient and to encourage expression of feelings.
Victim's Response. . . Mastery and Control
- Helper's Intervention
- Refrain from arguing with the victim; avoid anger at her abuse of you, but set appropriate limits.
- Allow the victim to make simple decisions and after she has made them, point out her control over her life.
- Empathetically relate to her need to control.
- Reflect her feelings and let her know how you feel about the way she might be treating you.
Victim's Response. . . Anger and Resentment
- Helper's Intervention
- Let her know that anger at the rapist is entirely appropriate at this time.
- Encourage appropriate expressions of her anger.
- Explore channels for that energy and support her efforts to release it in healthy ways.
Victim's Response. . . Sadness, Loss, and Hurt
- Helper's Intervention
- Show non-judgmental acceptance and understanding.
- Reassure her of her worth and value as a person.
- Tolerate silences and encourage her to cry (when she wants to) about her loss.
- Support efforts to reach out for help from friends, family, co-workers, etc.
- Encourage expression of feelings and convey your own feelings for the victim (concern, caring, respect, etc.)
Allen, Auglaize, Darke, Hardin, Mercer, Shelby, Putnam, Wyandot, and Van Wert Counties, Ohio
- 24 hours a day crisis line with licensed crisis counselor / professional victim advocate toll free 1-87-STOP-RAPE (1-877-867-7273)
- 24 hours a day response to emergency rooms with trained victim advocate
- Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE) forensic evidence collection at all hospitals
- Victim Advocacy for sexual assault victims ages 13 and older
- Coordination with Victim Assistance and Children Services through justice phases
- Recovery services for victims, whether or not case is prosecuted:
- Support groups for survivors
- Emergency money for housing, food new door locks, etc.
- Teddy bears for children when advocates meet them or when they have to testify
- Education, literature, and video tapes to help family members be supportive
- Victims Compensation filing assistance information
- Spiritual ministry and volunteer peer counseling
- Speaking to groups such as schools and justice professionals as part of healing process
- Long-term emotional support and crisis intervention
- Information and referrals for follow-up disease testing, counseling, legal issues, etc.
- Support groups for survivors
- Create and maintain county wide protocol and ongoing communication among task force members for victim support and seamless prosecution.
- Training for protocol members on evidence collection, victim rights, SANE, legal issues, prevention tips, male rape, drugs and sexual assault, college campus issues and laws, "promising practices" from around the nation, reducing "revictimization" of repeat victims, different reactions of victims between stranger vs. acquaintance rape, etc.
- Community sensitivity and education for health professionals, justice officials, high schools, college / university student and staff leadership, public service announcements and posters, civic and public organizations, church groups, media reporting sensitivity, etc.
In working with a rape victim, one must understand that rape is an act of violence, not an act of sex. A person who has been raped needs:
- Access to factual information and concrete resources available.
- Access to someone who can help her/him deal with the intense feelings about the experience.
At various times after the rape, the victim may have one or more of the following feelings (or she/he may have none of them):
Embarrassment, shame, guilt, fear, anger at self, anger at rapist, helplessness, dirtiness, unclean feelings, worthlessness, isolation, fear of men, fear of going out alone, fear of sex, depression, suicidal feelings, confusion. Anger at the rapist is the healthiest reaction generally.
Many rape victims have similar patterns of responses:
First there is anxiety, shock or disbelief. Later, she/he may not want to think or talk about it. Then, she/he may once again become concerned about the rape and feel depressed or relive the experience. Hopefully, the rape victim will again be able to talk about the experience to work through the suppressed feelings.
Most raped people do not react to the sexual aspect of the assault. They react to the terror, fear, feelings of helplessness, and the feelings of guilt. When talking with a rape victim, do not dwell on the sexual side of the crime...it may make it harder for her/him to deal with her/his feelings as a victim of a crime.
Rape may be considered as an experience of "loss", as a rape victim may feel the loss of security, self-identity, sexual identity, and most of all, loss of control. Thus, some victims may have difficulty relating to others, expressing affection, redefining their sexuality and regaining their autonomy.
When talking with a rape victim:
- Listen. Let the person do most of the talking, but do not pressure her/him to talk.
- Ask questions only to help you to better understand her/his feelings and needs. Never push a question or point if the person does not feel comfortable with it.
- Assure her/him that her/his feelings are normal and natural after being raped.
- Encourage the person to re-establish control over her/his life. Do not make decisions for her/him. Encourage independent decision making.
- Be extremely careful not to place any blame on the victim or add to her/his feelings of guilt.
- Find out where she/he is to be sure that she/he is in a safe and secure environment.
- Find out if there are any physical injuries.
- Encourage the victim to go to the hospital.
- Encourage the victim not to go to the bathroom, change clothes, bathe, apply any medication or baby powder.
- If the victim decides to go to the hospital, tell her/him what to expect.
- Questioning
- from the police about the incident. The police must be notified when a woman/man comes into the emergency room and states that she/he has been raped.
- Examination
- entire body check for bruises and scratches
- pap test and pelvic examination with speculum
- sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy tests
- tests for the presence of semen and/or sperm
- To be asked to leave her clothing as evidence
- If you are attacked you are encouraged to:
- Not go to the bathroom
- Not bathe, wash or change clothing
- Contact the police
- Go to the hospital
- Contact a friend (or an advocate from CVS) to meet you
- Remember that CVS is here for emotional support
- Encourage her/him to involve the police and to prosecute. If there are doubts about prosecuting, here are some positive reasons to do so:
- Saving someone else from a similar experience.
- Insuring that she/he will not continue to be harassed/humiliated by the perpetrator if he/she is known to the victim.
- The court system, with all its drawbacks, is the only means for her/him to receive justice.
Crime Victim Services Advocates Can be With You
- At the hospital
- At the police station
- To help contact others for you
- To speak with your family and significant others
- When you speak with the prosecutor
- At court
- To answer questions about the legal system
- To just listen
- To help file for crime victims compensation
- Give you appropriate referrals
People who have been raped or sexually abused are among the few survivors of crime who feel a need to decide whether to call the police. It is to the credit of the women's movement and of police departments that this situation is changing. Knowing that there is someone to go through the system with the victim--especially a knowledgeable, supportive advocate from a rape crisis center or victim-witness program--makes the survivor's decision a much different one than before. When the anti-rape movement began, many survivors of sexual assault were afraid to call the police or to tell anyone. The fact that many rape survivors now speak up and take legal action is a form of encouragement, showing that rape services are worthwhile and effective. Police departments that have allowed their personnel to be trained by advocates should be recognized for their foresight and cooperation.
In spite of the changes in attitude, reporting a rape to the police is still not an easy process for many. Most people are not comfortable talking about sex, and sexual assault is even more difficult to discuss. The events that took place are personal and intimate. Sometimes a police officer can feel just as uncomfortable as the survivor discussing the rape. Some departments find that having female officers available on calls involving women and children results in a more effective collection of evidence. For the most part, however, officers' sensitivity is more important than their sex.
The kind of rape that is least likely to be reported to the police is one that takes place between persons who know each other, when no weapon was used, and no other crime was committed at the time. Individuals who are assaulted in this way are very aware that they will have some difficulty proving their cases in court and thus often decide they will not try. In fact, their attitude has a justifiable basis. As soon as a case enters the criminal justice system via the police department, it is scrutinized from the perspective of its ability to stand up in court. This includes evaluating the survivor's ability to be a credible witness. Because of this, rape survivors may feel that their lifestyles, actions, or reactions to assailants are being questioned. These feelings can result from subtle reactions on the part of people around the survivor, which she discerns because in crisis she may be very sensitive to feelings of others.
While police personnel evaluate a case for its possible success or failure in court, an advocate has no personal or professional stake in the outcome of a criminal investigation or a trial. From the advocate's point of view, the most important person is the one who has been assaulted; the survivor's personal needs take precedence. While police officers can be understanding and sensitive, their job remains making an arrest and solving a crime. It is essential that a crime survivor have a helper who has no other responsibilities except establishment of the survivor's needs and concerns. Like the prosecutors who enter the case later, most police officers find that their job is a lot easier as a result of working with advocates. Furthermore, police personnel are frequently relieved that they do not have to play the unexpected and unwanted role of counselor.
Other reasons that individuals who have been sexually assaulted do not want to prosecute are: fear of revenge on the part of the assailant, sympathy for their assailant, fear of identifying the wrong person, the desire to forget what happened, fear of testifying in court, or the belief that the accused will be found not guilty. Those who do want to prosecute have different reactions. Generally, when they have been assaulted by a stranger, they are afraid he may come back. They want to send him to jail to protect themselves and society, and they believe that the system can work for them. Individuals who believe that the society in which they live does not accept them, whether it is because of race, lifestyle, sexual preference, or economical level, are much less likely to go to the effort of entering the criminal justice system. Regardless of extenuating circumstances, the decision to prosecute must be made personally by the rape survivor.
The decision of whether or not to prosecute does not have to occur immediately if the choice seems to be difficult. An initial, informal report can be made at the hospital and charges dropped later. Once a formal statement is made to police, it can be difficult to back out; technically that option is available through the entire process. By making the initial report at the hospital, the door is open for prosecution if the survivor desires such action. If the initial report is not made--for example, the survivor refuses to talk to the police--it is harder to file a report later. Additionally, without a report, optimal evidence will not have been collected, making indictment and conviction much less plausible.
The victim's significant other plays a large role in her recovery. Victims who do not have any type of support system take longer to recover than those who do. While you are with a victim, you will meet boyfriends, mothers, fathers, children, husbands or anyone else who plays an important role in the victim's life. They all are to be considered significant others.
Male Significant Others
The male significant other is the man who is the most important to the victim. It could be her father, brother, husband, lover, or friend. The man may need help in dealing with his own feelings about the rape. He may also need help in dealing with the rape victim.
The woman who has been raped will have a number of reactions to the man closest to her. She may need a great deal of assurance that he still loves her. She may not want any sexual contact for awhile, or she may want sexual contact right away. On the other hand, she may translate her anger at the rapist to anger at men in general and to the male significant other in particular. The man might find this situation confusing to him, and it might cause him to either downplay the experience of the rape to the victim or become angry with her. Society teaches that the woman somehow had the rape coming. It would help the man to become aware of this dynamic.
The man may feel personally violated by the rape. This comes from society's view of women as possessions of men. Therefore, since a rape was committed against the man's property, it was an attack on the man too. He may experience a sense of powerlessness and invasion and may need as much support as the victim herself. However, in this situation, it is important not to become involved in the "ownership mentality". For example, it is preferable to say "Mary is very sensitive now," rather than "your wife is...." Do not be judgmental if the male insists on saying "my wife," rather accept the responsibility not to respond in those terms yourself.
As in dealing with a rape victim, always respect the wishes and values of the man. Try to explain the fact of rape so it will becomes less mysterious to him. Finally, give male significant others as much support as you can; they need it.
Parents
Parents of victims will have several concerns. They have a strong need to blame someone for the sexual assault. They might blame the assailant, themselves, or even the victim. They will have questions concerning the victim's sexuality, especially if the assault involved a young child or an adolescent.
The victim also will have concerns about her parents. She will wonder whether or not she should tell them about the assault. If she decides to tell them, she will be concerned about their reactions. Depending on the victim's age and relationship with her parents, the parents' reactions may have a great effect on the victim's emotional state and recovery.