Don't assume you know how to define forgiveness. It is not forgetting (which places the victim in potential danger), not reconciliation (when there was no prior relationship), not justifying offender's behavior, not absolution of offender's responsibility, not retribution, not seeking compensation, and not trusting the offender. It is releasing the need to control the outcome of the aftermath, recognizing and confronting the evil done, regaining control from the offender, ending any cycles of repetition (mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual) that give the offender power, is primarily for the healing of the victim not the freedom of the offender, is something the victim is owed and can claim, and is normally successful after going through the grief process related to the loss inflicted by the crime.
The following material was re-printed from No Time for Goodbyes by Janice Harris Lord, ©1987
Without a doubt, you will be called upon to rethink your concept of forgiveness after a loved one has been killed (or you have been the victim of a serious crime). And if you're going to survive the trauma without keeping your stomach tied in knots for years, you will need to decide how you can deal with the offender and maintain your integrity.
In killings in which the offender was also killed, the issue of forgiveness can be avoided somewhat. For those in which the offender is alive, especially if the criminal justice system is involved in the case, the issue cannot be avoided.
Society tends to forgive easily. It is so eager to forgive that it doesn't require remorse on the part of the offender. Many homicides are plea-bargained in the criminal justice system with offenders being advised by their attorney to "plead guilty" to a lesser offense in return for more lenient sentences. At the same time, the offender is instructed not to make contact with the victim's family because it might imply an admission of guilt. Does society and the criminal justice system really believe that such a plea is genuine remorse? Apparently so, because it is all that is required.
Your family may say, "If only he would look me in the ye and genuinely say 'I'm sorry.' it would mean all the world to me." The common response to such a statement is that "only a vengeful family would put an offender through that." To you it may be a very significant component in justice with integrity.
Some victim families, when shown genuine remorse by an offender, have offered forgiveness even though they can never forget. Many cannot forgive. Most are unwilling to offer a "cheap grace" to offenders- a gesture of forgiveness which has no real meaning because the offender has shown no remorse and made no commitment to a change in behavior.
You will need to decide, based on your own life experiences and religious convictions, what to do about forgiveness. It is a difficult task. If others imply that you should offer forgiveness, tell them it is an important matter and that you will handle it in a manner that your integrity allows.