Domestic Violence Dynamics of Abuse Support Group Job Search Shelters Safety Planning Effects on Children Dating Violence Domestic Violence Laws Civil Law at a Glance Assessing Batterers

• Dos and Don'ts
• Safety Plan For Victims Of Domestic Violence
• Developing Your Support System
• Educating Yourself
• Documenting The Abuse
• Other Safety Options
• Special Issues For Abused Immigrant Women
• Maribel's Story

Talk to a Friend or Family Member

Talking to others can be an important step. If you've worked hard to keep the abuse a secret, you may find this harder than it sounds. Try to choose someone who will be supportive of you, who will validate your feelings, and whom you trust.

Sometimes people around you may already have a sense of what's happening and be ready to help. Often two heads are better than one, and another person may be able to point out an option or resource you haven't thought of or didn't know about.

When you are isolated, your abuser is in a better position to control you and the way you feel about yourself, as well as your perceptions about the abuse and your options. The more you can talk with others, the less power your abuser is likely to have.

Develop Other Involvements

Developing other interests or involvements is not always possible or safe to do if you're being abused. This can be very threatening to your abuser because it lessens his/her control over you. However, many women have reported that developing outside interests was important in feeling better about themselves, seeing things that were happening more clearly, and having a wider support system. Examples might include taking an adult education class through your school system, joining the local YWCA or a health club, volunteering somewhere, becoming involved at your church, or even going back to school or getting a job if you are not working. Remember, you are the best expert on your situation, and you are the only one who can determine whether any of these activities is safe for you to pursue.

Call an Abuse Hotline

When you need to call a hotline, you do not need to give any information that you're uncomfortable sharing, not even your name. All calls to hotlines are confidential. The job of the people who staff hotlines is to provide support and information to you as you consider your situation. They can discuss with you the abuse, make you aware of options and resources, and help you map out a plan. You may want to get information about shelter and what it's like, just in case you need it.

If you're not comfortable at any point during the hotline call, you can hang up. Because everyone has a different style and there are many people who work hotlines, you may want to call back another time and speak with someone else. Some women call a hotline just once and get the information or support they need. For others, the hotline becomes part of their support system, and they may continue to call regularly.

Join a Support Group

A support group can also be part of the support system you develop as you continue to make decisions and take steps to deal with the abuse. There is no cost for most groups, and some have childcare available. They usually meet weekly and are at different times and days.

Counseling: Can My Abuser Change?

Many abuse victims wish to help their abusers, especially after the abuser has promised to get counseling. However, relationship or "couple" counseling is often both unproductive and dangerous. While abuse certainly affects the victim and the entire family, abuse is the sole problem and responsibility of the abuser. Many relationships could benefit from couple counseling, but it is very important that the abuser first address the abusive and violent behavior independently. If and when the abuse stops and equality is returned to the relationship, relationship or family counseling may then be helpful.

Many victims have reported that when abuse was present in the relationship, their abuser got angry and violent after a couples counseling session when something was said or discussed that the abuser did not like. The counselor will not be there to protect you at this point. Remember also that abusers are master manipulators—this is their way to control situations. As a result the abuser is likely to try to manipulate the counselor as well as the individual sessions—and in a couples counseling situation, they are often successful. Counselors who generally do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence may be easily manipulated by the abuser; counselors who are familiar with domestic violence usually will not participate in couples counseling because they recognize the danger.

Another problem with couples counseling is that abusers often perceive their behavior as the fault of their victims. Couples counseling helps to support the perception that the abuse is a shared problem—it is not; the abuser alone must take action to address the abusive behavior.

Some victims of domestic violence find individual counseling very helpful. If you choose to get individual counseling, it is important that your counselor understand the dynamics of family violence and abusive relationships. You have the right to ask a counselor questions about his/her attitudes and experience or training in this area before you decide to begin counseling with that person. It can be unproductive and even dangerous to be working with a counselor who is ill-informed about domestic violence. You can contact a hotline to get some names of counselors who are experienced with issues of abuse.

Remember that abuse is likely to escalate over time. You cannot change the other person's behavior, and the abuser's behavior is never your fault. You can only change yourself. You have a right to choose how you wish to live. There are people available to help you realize a productive and healthy life.

Batterer Intervention Programs

There are programs available to help abusers address and change their violent behavior. Batterer intervention programs are usually conducted in groups with several abusers and a facilitator, and they generally focus on the abusers taking responsibility for and changing their abusive and controlling behavior. The duration of these programs varies. Some programs only involve 8 hours of group work, while others last up to 26 weeks or longer. An 8-hour program is not enough to make a significant impact on the abuser's behavior and attitude; the longer programs are recommended.

You can contact your local domestic violence shelter or hotline for a list of the batterer intervention programs in your area.

Abusers can become involved in a batterer intervention program voluntarily, or they may be ordered into one by a civil or criminal court.

Unfortunately, the general success rates of batterer intervention programs are very low, and it is important that you recognize this as you explore this option. This is not to discourage you from considering batterer intervention programs, but to prepare you for the reality of their effectiveness.

There is a batterer intervention program called AMEND which has proven to be effective with domestic violence. To find out more about the AMEND program, please call 1-800-540-4764.

Mediation

Mediation is becoming increasingly common across the country in divorce-related cases. However, if you are in an abusive relationship, mediation can be dangerous. Mediation typically involves repeated meetings between you and your partner, which could put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable position. Mediation assumes that the two parties can work together as equals to achieve a mutually agreeable settlement; unfortunately, this is rarely possible in a relationship where the equality between partners has been destroyed by abuse. Mediation can result in physical and emotional harm to victims of domestic violence.

If you are court-ordered to participate in mediation, it is important to take steps to protect your physical and emotional safety:

• If you are afraid to attend mediation with your abuser, make your fears known to your attorney, the court, and/or the mediator.
  
• If possible, explore with your attorney mediators in your area, and choose one that has been recommended by local domestic violence programs.
  
• Ask the mediator to go over with you exactly what the planned mediation will entail so that you can decide whether or not you feel safe and comfortable.
  
• Ask the mediator if you and your abuser can be in separate rooms during mediation.
  
• Ask your advocate or attorney to accompany you to the mediation sessions.
  
• Establish a safety plan that will help protect you before, during, and after each mediation session (consider obtaining a civil protection order if you do not already have one).
  
• Avoid contact with your abuser outside the mediation sessions.
  
• Educate your mediator about the dynamics of domestic violence with brochures, etc. from your local domestic violence program.
  
• Avoid agreeing to anything specific before consulting with your attorney.
  

Return to top

Educating yourself by reading can be a valuable tool for you if your are experiencing abuse or you care about someone who is. Identifying and understanding domestic abuse allows people to deal more effectively with it.

Reading can be helpful for a person who has not yet identified her experience as abuse or who is not yet ready to talk with anyone else about what's been happening. If may also be a way to get information if you or someone you know is very isolated or controlled by a partner.

It may be important that books or other reading material, which discuss abuse, be kept in a safe or secret place if the abuser is still around. Abusers often become threatened and more abusive when they find out that their partner is getting information about the abuse from someone other than themselves. One idea would be to leave the book at a library or supportive person's home and read it there if there is no other way to secure it.

Many experience a sense of relief and validation when they read something, which describes their experience. It may help you to not feel so alone and to feel supported in the knowledge that you do not cause the abuse, despite what your abuser may be telling you. You may also recognize that abuse tends to follow certain patterns, and you may be better able to see the patterns that exist in your abuser's behavior. Finally, educating yourself through reading may help you clarify what steps you'll choose as you work toward freedom from abuse. Here is a list of books, which may be helpful to you in learning more about domestic violence:

When Battered Women Kill, Angela Browne

The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans

When Love Goes Wrong: What to do When You Can't Do Anything Right, Ann Jones & Susan Schechter

Dating Violence: Young Women In Danger, Barrie Levy

Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering, Kerry Lobel

Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships, Ginny NiCarthy

You Can Be Free, Ginny NiCarthy**

The Ones Who Got Away, Ginny NiCarthy

Violent No More, Michael Paymar

Women and Male Violence, Susan Schechter

Chain, Chain, changed: For Black Women Dealing with Abuse, Evelyn White

Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompanada: Para La MejerGolpeada,

** Easy to read book—written in simple language for people with some difficulty reading English.

Return to top

There are a number of ways you can begin to document abuse. Documentation is very important if you want to pursue legal protection, and it is a good tool to help you begin to deal with the abuse in your life.

Keep A Personal Log

A personal log or journal will help you record incidents including witnesses or other evidence in an organized, comprehensive, manner. The goal is to go back in time and write down things that have happened in the past with as many details as you can remember. The following is a list of things to include in your personal log that will help you organize the incidents you wish to record:

• Date of incident
  
• Time of incident
  
• Approximate length of time incident lasted
  
• Location of incident
  
• Name of abuser
  
• What abuser DID to you
  
• What abuser SAID to you
  
• How you felt as a result of incident
  
• List of witnesses, pictures, medical records, or any other information you have about the incident
  
  

Start with the most recent incident of abuse and record everything that was said or done in as much detail as you can remember. Then on a separate log, record the next most recent incident, and so on.

While it is important to write down everything you can remember, don't be frustrated if you cannot remember every detail. When the abuse has lasted a long time, it is sometimes difficult to remember exact dates; that's okay—just get as close to the actual date as you can. Looking at a calendar can be helpful as you try to estimate the exact date of the incident. Also, remembering things such as special events that occurred around the time of the incident like holidays or birthdays, what house you lived in, the season of the year, whether you were pregnant at the time, and the ages of your children at the time can help you pinpoint the date of the abuse.

You may feel overwhelmed during the process of writing everything down. During these times, you may want to call a supportive friend or family member or a hotline. You can also use a tape recorder and then write down the information you recorded.

If you are with your abuser during this time, be sure your logs/tapes/etc. are in a safe place where the abuser will not find them. These belong to you, and your abuser has no right to them.

Take Pictures

You may want to ask someone you trust (a friend, an advocate, hospital staff, etc.) to take a picture of any visible injuries you may have as a result of the abuse. This is especially important if you want to seek legal protection. Instant pictures (like Polaroids) that cannot be altered in developing provide better evidence, although they tend to fade over time more than regular film. However, instant pictures are the most confidential and are usually adequate for use by the courts and prosecutor's office. Regular film is also an option, but consider carefully where it will be developed because others will see your pictures.

Whoever takes the pictures must sign and date each one. Make sure at least one picture includes your face to connect the injury to the person. A camera or video recorder can be used to document damage to property.

Keep your pictures in a safe place where they will not be found and/or destroyed by your abuser.

Talk With Witnesses

If there were any witnesses to the abuse—people who saw the incident, directly heard what occurred, or saw the resulting injuries—you may want to find out how they could be reached if you need them to be called to testify on your behalf. Ask them to write down a description of what happened and have them sign and date their statement. If the police are called, you may want to direct the police to any possible witnesses for questioning.

Get Medical Treatment

If you or your child is injured, it may be a good idea to seek medical treatment in order to get the necessary care and to document the abuse. Sometimes injuries sustained in abusive situations are not obvious, but they may be serious such internal, head, or eye injuries. Even if you think you are not seriously hurt, medical reports may help show what happened.

According to section 3727.08 of the Ohio Revised Code, health care providers are required to talk with you about your injuries and how they were sustained. This must be done privately and away from you partner and/or other family members. Also according to Ohio Law, hospitals are supposed to take pictures of the physical results of abuse and keep these pictures in your medical file. This is helpful even if you have already taken your own pictures of the same injuries.

Remember that health care professionals are legally required to report any injuries children sustain from abuse to the police and/or protective services. Hospitals are also required to report any injuries resulting from stabbing, gunshot wound, or at least second degree burns.

File A Police Report

When domestic violence occurs, you may decide to tell the police and ask them to file a report. The police may investigate and ask you for a statement. If they do not voluntarily take pictures of injuries or property damage that resulted from the abuse, ask them to do so and to keep these pictures in the police report. If they have reasonable grounds to suspect domestic violence occurred, they may decide to charge your abuser with the crime, even if you do not want them to.

** Make sure to keep any evidence you have collected in a safe place—with a trusted friend or family member, at your workplace, or in a safety deposit box at a bank—where your abuser cannot find it. Evidence of abuse tends to threaten abusers, making them feel they are losing control over you. Abusers may destroy evidence or become violent if they find out.

Return to top

It may become so unsafe or impossible at home that you need to leave or have your abuser removed, or you may have decided to end the relationship. This can be a dangerous time for abused women, so advance planning may be helpful. Sometimes you may just need to get out in a hurry to avoid getting hurt. Here are some options you have if you find yourself in that situation.

Removing The Abuser:

You may have your abuser legally removed from the home rather than leave yourself. The courts have the power to do this when you can show it is necessary for the safety of yourself or your children. Contact your local domestic violence hotline or shelter for more information regarding this option.

Leaving Home:

You have the right to live in a home that is free of violence and abuse. Therefore, you have the right to leave home if your safety is threatened. When children are at risk of emotional or physical harm or of being taken from you, it is important to take them with you if possible. When no court order has been made giving someone else custody, you have the legal right to take your children with you (even if you are traveling out of state).

Although you may not yet be sure that you want to leave, it is a good idea to prepare in case you should decide in the future that you do want to go. Leaving is a process, and it can be temporary or permanent. The first thing you can do is prepare yourself to leave quickly should that become necessary. Have the following items hidden in a centralized location (if possible):

 

• Any money you can gather (try collecting coins for pay phones and bus fare)
  
• Extra keys for the car, house, or apartment
  
• A small bag with extra clothing for you and your children
  
• Sentimental valuables (photographs, jewelry, child's favorite toy...)
  
• These important documents:
  
  • Copy of protection order (if you have one)
    
  • Bankbooks, checkbooks
    
  • Insurance policies
    
  • Marriage License
    
  • Divorce & Custody papers
    
  • Abuser's date of birth
    
  • Social Security numbers (abuser's, yours & children's)
    
  • Birth Certificates (yours & children's)
    
  • Passport or green card
    
  • Other picture ID (driver's license, welfare ID card)
    
  • List of important phone numbers (family, friends, local DV shelter)
    
    

Next, plan for where you would go if you leave. It is important to consider where you will be most safe. Children may have a difficult time in a new environment, but they tend to adjust quickly. Do you have friends or family members who are supportive and whom you trust? If you choose to go to family/friends, be sure to tell them it is crucial that they do not tell anyone you are staying with them, especially your abusive partner. If possible, park your car in their garage. If this does not seem like a safe option, consider going to a hotel or a domestic violence shelter. If you go to a hotel, you may want to register under another name and park your car in an alternate location.

While you are planning to leave, you may be making many phone calls to domestic violence hotlines, shelters, or other places you do not want your abuser to know about. It is important to take the following steps to increase telephone safety when you are preparing to leave.

• To protect yourself if your abuser uses automatic redial, call time & temperature (or other safe number) immediately after dialing a domestic violence shelter or hotline (or another number, which may be unsafe).
  
• To prevent your abuser from learning who called you by using *69 (if you received a potentially unsafe call—from a shelter or hotline, for example), immediately call a friend or family member, and ask that person to call you back right away.
  
  

It is important to know that leaving is a dangerous time for women in abusive relationships. Domestic violence is about abusers wanting power and control over their partners, and if they feel that power and control is threatened, they may become violent. For this reason, it is generally not a good idea to announce to your abuser your plans to leave. It is best to leave at a time when your abuser is either gone from the house or sleeping. Only tell a very few trustworthy and supportive individuals where you have gone. Let them know they are not to share your whereabouts with anyone.

Other Options

If you or someone you know is being affected by domestic violence, it is important to know that there are places where you can get help. There are currently 74 domestic violence programs in the state of Ohio that offer a wide range of services from general information on abuse to shelter and legal advocacy. Most of the programs have a 24 hour hotline where you can access information, get support, and find out more about local programs so you may begin to get the help you need and deserve.

What to Expect from Shelter

Because we know that leaving is a dangerous time for abused women and their children, domestic violence shelters exist to protect women and provide safe refuge. Usually, the location of the shelter is confidential, and no one except shelter staff and residents knows the building's location. Not only do shelters provide safety to survivors, but they usually offer a place where women can begin to regain control over their lives.

Shelters are usually in houses with a living and dining room, a kitchen, and a number of bedrooms. Depending on the size of your family, you may share a room with others. The residents usually share the cooking and cleaning.

Normally, there will be an advocate who will help you and your children develop a safety plan and work towards meeting your basic needs. All programs have a set of rules to which residents must adhere (e.g. shared living responsibilities, maintaining secrecy of shelter location, curfew, etc.). Check with your local shelter for individual guidelines.

The amount of time you may stay in a shelter varies from program to program. Generally, a 4-6 week stay is optimum in most shelters. Shelters may be full due to overwhelming demand. If this is the case, hotline workers can help you find alternative options (possibly shelters in neighboring communities).

For a shelter program near you, please see the list at the end of this booklet. For any shelter information not listed here, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

When Shelter is Not an Option

Though shelter is the most well known aspect of domestic violence programs, it is not the only one. Sometimes women do find a safe alternative to shelter, or they simply do not wish to utilize shelter for a number of reasons. Although you may not want to use a shelter, you can still call a shelter hotline for information on non-residential services offered by that shelter as well as other community resources. Some of these services include:

 

• Legal Advocacy is often available, providing you with an advocate to give legal information, help you navigate legal systems, and guide you through the court process.
  
• Support Groups are an excellent way to access support and get information from other women who are faced with similar situations.
  
• Individual Counseling for survivors of domestic violence is offered by many programs and allows you to meet one-on-one with a trained/licensed therapist. Some programs offer this service to children who have been affected by domestic violence as well. It is important to note that these programs generally do not offer couples counseling because domestic violence is not a couple's problem—it is the abuser's problem. Couples counseling can be a very dangerous situation for victims of domestic violence.
  
• Batterer Intervention Programs are usually set up in a group format and involve abusers working to identify the dynamics of domestic violence and learn anger management. While longer programs have a better chance of being effective, batterer intervention programs in general have very low success rates.
  

Return to top

If you are a victim of abuse and you are an immigrant to the United States, you may have some very real concerns related to your immigrant status. It is also very difficult to overcome the barriers of working with people who do not understand your language and your culture.

As an abused immigrant woman, you may face the following concerns:

• You may fear deportation for yourself and your children.
  
• You may fear losing custody of your children to your abuser if you are deported.
  
• You may have to return to a politically unsafe country.
  
• Your abuser may have threatened your family at home.
  
• Your family may be angry with you for leaving the abuser and your status as a US immigrant.
  
• You may be uncertain about what a domestic violence program can do and whether or not they will report you to the authorities.
  

Domestic violence hotlines, shelters, and support groups do not need to report your immigration status to provide assistance. If they know your status, they will know to whom they can safely refer you for help. You can stay at the shelter or attend a support group.

Domestic violence programs may be able to provide important information about how to obtain legal permanent residency if you are legally married to someone who is a US citizen or permanent resident. Domestic violence programs may also be able to help you find an attorney to assist you with your situation.

Remember, if you are a US citizen, a lawful permanent resident, or you have a valid visa, you cannot be deported unless you entered the US on fraudulent documents, violated conditions of your visa, or were convicted of certain crimes.

The immigration Marriage Fraud Amendment Waiver Act Remedy are options you have, but you should not try to apply for these without legal assistance. Your local domestic violence program may be able to help you access legal services.

It is a good idea to start collecting information to prove you married in good faith and are subject to extreme cruelty in your marriage by your husband. Here are some pieces of information to collect:

• Proof of joint ownership of a house;
  
• Proof of joint lease of residence;
  
• Birth certificates of children;
  
• Pictures or invitation of a wedding ceremony;
  
• Marriage License;
  
• Proof of joint family activities, family holidays, social events, clubs or religious groups.
  

It is also a good idea to collect any proof of domestic violence such as:

• Pictures of injuries
  
• Police reports
  
• Protection orders
  
• Medical reports
  
• Proof of counseling
  
• Statement of witnesses
  
• Court custody order
  
• Documents of health problems for yourself and your children
  
• Going to a shelter
  
  

Remember to write down the history of events in order, including all the incidents of abuse and any evidence you have, in as much detail as possible.

Return to top

 

Here is one survivor's story of her struggles as an abused immigrant woman.

"I came to the United States in September of 1983 to visit my sister in Ohio and tour with my friends. I first toured New York, went to see my sister in Ohio, and then to California. After a few days in California, I met________ who pursued me relentlessly. He came to see me everyday and soon we were going together. After about two months, I told him I have to go home because I have to finish my schooling. I was at that time a sophomore in College at the University of Santo Tomas in Manila, Philippines. He got furious and told me he will not let me go. When I insisted I have to go back, he beat me so badly it scared me. He started to stay with me all the time and told me that he will take care of my papers to stay in the U.S. He was not working at that time and I was out of money and afraid to ask money from my sister in Ohio. He then told me I should work, which I did…

When______ received his green card, I pleaded with him to petition for me, but he refused. He always thought that I would leave him once I get my papers. Meanwhile his beatings continued. In addition, he will always belittle me, criticize everything I do, insult me, and beat me in front of his friends or parents. No one ever stopped him to help me. I felt more alone and isolated and dependent on him. I had nowhere to go. I could not work, and he and his parents always told me that if I divorce_______ or go to the police, I will be deported and never see my children. I could not go anywhere without him…If I complain or fight back, not only do I get hurt more, but he also threatens to call immigration on me… I am afraid for my life, but I am more afraid for my children. I need to have a