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Myth
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Reality
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| 1. | Abuse in teen relationships is not that common or serious. | Violence occurs in 28% of teen relationships. |
| 2. | They like the abuse or they wouldn't put up with it. | People stay in abusive relationships for many complex reasons, none of which includes liking the abuse. |
| 3. | Guys/Girls yell and hit to show how much they care about their partners. | Guys/Girls yell and hit because they are using violence to try and control another person and/or are unable to control their own behavior. |
| 4. | A guy has the right to discipline his girlfriend to show her who's boss. | Discipline is used to exercise authority, such as a parent has over a child or a superior has over subordinates. In healthy dating relationships, girls and guys should be on equal footing. |
| 5. | Alcohol and/or drugs are what cause people to be violent and abusive. | Chemical substances are not the cause of violence buy may act as enablers by lowering inhibitions. |
| 6. | Violence only happens between people who are poor or members of a minority. | Abuse in relationships occurs across all classes, races and cultural groups in society. It even happens within same-gender relationships. |
| 7. | Batterers are obvious and can be spotted a mile away. | Batterers are people that we encounter in everyday life. They can be smart, quiet, or popular. What they have in common is their need to have total control in their relationships and aggressive impulses. |
- One of every three high school students is, or has been, involved in an abusive dating relationship.
- Dating violence includes physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse.
- Both males and females perpetrate abusive acts in dating relationships.
- Dating violence occurs across all socioeconomic, racial, religious and ethnic groups.
- Dating violence usually occurs during weekends.
- Between 73% and 90% of abuse occurs in private settings outside the view of others.
- When dating violence does happen in public, attempts to intervene occur less than half the time.
- Jealousy is a common characteristic of dating violence.
- Only 1 in 25 victims of dating violence seeks help from a teacher, minister, rabbi, police officer or counselor.
- Only 4 of 10 dating relationships end after the onset of violence and abuse.
Relationships are a vital part of teenage development. Recognizing and acknowledging that they can be unhealthy and potentially unsafe is very disturbing and may be difficult for teens to understand.
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Rating Your Dating Relationship
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What's Healthy
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What's Not
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| 1. | Positive Communication - Your partner is usually kind and sensitive to your feelings and those of others. He/she expresses feelings appropriately and is supportive of your actions. You are able to talk through disagreements without threats. |
Verbal Abuse - Name calling, accusations of untrue behavior, putdowns, slurs based on race, gender or ability or about family members, public humiliation and embarrassment, yelling. Making threats like, "If you do that I'll kill you," or "If you leave me, I'll kill myself" |
| 2. | Maintaining Other Relationships - It's cool being a couple, but you and your partner still belong to the rest of the world. You can have special, private time together, but remember, couples consist of "me," "you" and "us." Each has a life of his/her own. |
Isolation - Does your partner call you names for having friends? Make fun of you for being close to your family? If your partner says, "I will decide who you can talk to," or "You can't go out without me," or "I need you to show me you love me," you have a problem. |
| 3. | Encouraging Other Activities -Your partner is glad you have other friends, lets you have your own space and both of you participate in group outings. | Extreme Jealousy - Your partner gets mad if you talk to other people or have good friends. He/she accuses you of being with others. |
| 4. | Independence - Becoming a couple doesn't mean giving up who you are. In a solid relationship, support and encouragement are given when you try out for the school play, get a job or play sports. |
Possessiveness - Your boyfriend/girlfriend does not want you to share your time or give your attention to anyone else. He/she watches your every move and calls you all the time. |
| 5. | Sharing - Your dating partner asks your opinion. You treat each other like equals. Both of you talk and listen during conversations. You take turns deciding on where to eat, what movie to see. You are proud of each other's accomplishments and ambitions. |
Controlling Behavior - This person makes all the decisions. Your point of view is not important. He/she tries to tell you what to wear, how to do your hair, tells you who to talk to and where to go. |
| 6. | Respect - There are at least five things about this person that you really like and admire. This person has good relationships with his or her family and friends. You like yourself when you're with this person. |
Low Self-Esteem - Your partner says, "I'm nothing without you," or "You are my world." This is OK for romantic songs, but not real life. It's very stifling and unrealistic. |
| 7. | Self Control - Your partner expresses anger appropriately. Anger focuses on issues and problems, not on the personality of others. |
Explosive Temper - Hitting walls or lockers, yelling loudly, calling names or threatening others. |
| 8. | Touching - Holding hands, hugging, kissing and tickling. These are the kind of touches you should be experiencing. Touches that show caring, concern and humor. |
Physical Abuse - Holding you down, pushing, hitting, slapping, shoving, biting, scratching, grabbing, hair pulling, throwing objects. You can be injured for life by these actions. |
| 9. | Caring For Possessions & Pets- Your partner respects other living things like animals and helps you wash your car or find the notebook you accidentally left at the library. |
Destruction of Property & Pets- Does your partner damage or destroy things you care about like photographs, clothes, trophies or your car? Or threaten to harm your pets? |
| 10. | Being Apart - You should have outside interests besides being together. If you need to baby-sit, you can without your boyfriend/girlfriend hanging around. You can go to the mall with friends or just stay home alone if you like. |
Unrealistic Expectations - Your partner is overly dependent on you for all their needs. He/she expects you to be friend, parent and romantic interest. He/she comes on like a whirlwind and pressures you to commit to the relationship. |
| 11. | Accepting Responsibilities for Actions- Realizes they lost the job because they were constantly late, or flunked the test because they didn't study. |
Blaming Others for Problems - Says poor grades or losing a job is because someone is out to get him/her. Blames you for anything that goes wrong. |
| 12. | Unselfishness - Your partner puts your welfare first, keeps your confidences and lets you make your own choices about which college to go to, which friends to make, or teams to join. |
Emotional Abuse - Tells your secrets, threatens to leave you in an unsafe location, tries to control what you do. |
Misconception: "Abuse in teen relationships is not that common or serious."
Reality: Surveys show that violence is experienced in 28% of teen relationships, and according to the FBI, 20% of homicide victims are between the ages of 15 and 24. One out of 3 women murdered in the US is killed by a husband or boyfriend.
Productive Thinking: "Battering is not just an adult problem; it also happens with teens and we have to become more aware of the realities of relationship violence among young people."
Misconception: "Girls like the abuse or else they wouldn't put up with it. "
Reality: Young women and girls stay in abusive relationships for a number of complex reasons, none of which includes liking the abuse.
Productive Thinking: "I have to recognize that no one stays in an abusive relationship because they like the abuse, but that leaving the relationship may be difficult."
Misconception: "Guys yell and hit to show how much they care about their partners."
Reality: Guys yell and hit because they are using violence to try and control another person and/or are unable to control their own behavior.
Productive Thinking: "The positive way of showing care for my partner is through understanding and respect-not violently or abusively acting out my emotions."
Misconception: "A guy has the right to discipline his girlfriend to show her who's boss."
Reality: Discipline is used to exercise authority, such as a parent has over a child or a superior over subordinates. Unfortunately, many societies have taught and encouraged men to dominate women under the guise of discipline.
Productive Thinking: "I do not have the right to try and control my girlfriend's or my boyfriend's behavior. The only person I have control over is myself. If I want to have a good, healthy relationship, I need to develop respect for my partner."
Misconception: "Alcohol and/or drugs are what cause people to become violent or abusive."
Reality: Chemical substances are not the cause of violence but may act as enablers to violence by lowering inhibitions.
Productive Thinking: "I realize that using alcohol may put me at risk for being a victim of rape, or enable me to be a perpetrator of violence.
Misconception: "Violence only happens between people who are poor or members of a minority."
Reality: Abuse in relationships exists among all classes, races, and cultural groups in society. It even happens within same-gender relationships.
Productive Thinking: "An abusive relationship can happen to anyone; we are not exempt because we belong to a particular group. Beliefs about other groups may stem from racism."
Misconception: "Guys who batter are psycho-crazies."
Reality: Batterers are "normal" people that we encounter in everyday life. They can be the smartest, quietest, coolest, or the best athlete on campus. What they have in common is their inability to control their anger and aggressive impulses.
Productive Thinking: "I cannot recognize batterers by how they look or act in public, but by how they behave in a relationship over a period of time."
Misconception: "Sexual harassment is a harmless joke that doesn't hurt anyone."
Reality: Although sexual harassment may seem funny at the time, it is not a joke to the person being harassed. People that are sexually harassed experience fear, humiliation, anger and distress. With prolonged harassment, the person being harassed may experience sleeplessness, anxiety, and poor concentration among other reactions.
Productive Thinking: "We often joke about sensitive issues, but it is important that we not make a joke out of a problem which has harmful consequences."
Misconception: "Girls ask to be sexually harassed by the way they dress or behave."
Reality: Both young men and young women may dress in styles which they think will impress and be attractive to one another. However, sexual harassment is abusive and, therefore, should not be construed as attentive or welcome advances. It is never permissible to sexually harass someone, no matter what they wear or do.
Productive Thinking: "I understand that harassing someone or being harassed is a sign of disrespect. I will treat others with respect in my interactions with them."
Misconception: "There's nothing a person can do to stop sexual harassment."
Reality: Many see sexual harassment as a normal part of growing up. It's true that sexual harassment has existed for a long time. Sexual harassment should not be condoned, however, simply because of its prevalence and history. It can be stopped through assertive and direct communication.
Productive Thinking: "Sexual harassment is tolerated less now than ever before. I will work to make my school a sexual harassment-free zone."
Misconception: "Guys cannot be sexually harassed."
Reality: Boys are also sexually harassed by girls, but usually boys are harassed by other boys. Boys or groups of boys can call each other names, make derogatory comments on another's sexual prowess or orientation.
Productive Thinking: "I understand that both male and females are hurt by sexual harassment."
Misconception: "Girls like to be sexually harassed. It's a way of complimenting someone."
Reality: Sexual harassment is rude and demeaning behavior. No one likes being victimized, ridiculed or insulted. Sexual harassment is not complimentary attention.
Productive Thinking: "Rather than make thoughtless assumptions, I will consider whether my attention to and behavior toward someone else is being positively perceived by them."
Misconception: "Sexual harassment is the same as flirting."
Reality: Sometimes, people confuse flirting with sexual harassment. However, flirting makes people feel good: harassment makes someone fell bad.
Productive Thinking: "I realize that when people harass it produces negative repercussions, as opposed to the positive feelings generated between two people who flirt."
Misconception: "Sexual harassment is not recognized by the law."
Reality: Sexual harassment is illegal. The laws vary from state to state, but the California Education Code is very specific in its definition and outlawing of sexual harassment.
Productive Thinking: "Sexual harassment is a serious offense with legal ramifications."
Friends & Parents:
- Start a conversation, not an interrogation. Open doors for communication with comments like "You look upset". Don't be accusatory. You may not get a response right away. But keep asking and you'll let her know that you notice and care about what happens to her.
- Be patient. Withdrawal from one's peers or parents can be a standard feature of adolescents, and of a violent relationship.
- Tell it like it is. Remind her that jealousy is not love, it's control.
- Trust your judgement. It is fine to say flat out, "I'm afraid for you" or "I think this guy could be dangerous".
- Take her seriously. Saying "Forget him, there are other fish in the sea", does not acknowledge her feelings.
Parents:
- Listen to your teens. Don't scream and yell, or tell her what she should and shouldn't do. That is exactly what her boyfriend is doing. Listen to her needs, and together you search for appropriate help.
Do You Need Help?
A Self Test
Does Your Partner...
- Isolate you from people you care about most or from friends you had before you began dating?
- Frequently embarrass or make fun of you in front of other people?
- Use intimidation to make you do what he wants?
- Make you feel there is "No way out" of the relationship?
- Make you perform sexual acts that you don't enjoy?
- Threaten you with force, words, or weapons?
- Use alcohol or drugs as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
- Get extremely angry frequently, and you don't understand why?
- Not believe he has hurt you or blames you for what he has done?
- Physically force you to do what you do not want to do?
If you answer yes to one or more of these, you may need to seek help.
Hoping things will get better isn't going to change anything. You need to get help!