- What Is Abuse?
- Is This An Abusive Relationship
- Battered Women's Rights
- How Do I Know If I'm In A Violent Relationship?
- Why Victims Of Partner Abuse Stay With Their Batterers
- Abuse Index
- If Someone You Know Is Being Abused. . .
- Men Who Batter
- Tactics Of Abuse
- Assessing Whether Batterers Will Kill
- Indicators of Lethality
- Behavioral Characteristics of Domestic Violence
Definition—Abuse is a pattern of physically and emotionally violent and coercive behaviors that one person uses to exercise power and control over another. Abusers may use verbal insults, emotional abuse, financial deprivation, threats, and/or sexual and physical violence as a way to dominate their partners and get their way.
Here are some examples of abusive behaviors:
Verbal Abuse
- Yelling
- Name calling
- Threatening to hurt or kill
- Degrading women in general
- Criticizing appearance
- Belittling accomplishments
- Constant blaming
Emotional abuse
- Apologizing and making false promises to end the abuse; offering false hope
- Isolating from others
- Ridiculing, criticizing, blaming
- Neglecting physical or emotional needs
- Ignoring, withholding affection
- Abusing pets
- Accusing of affairs
- Monitoring conversations
- Making account for time
- Criticizing friends, family
- Embarrassing in front of others
- Undermining authority with children
- Constant phone calls
Financial/Resource Abuse
- Taking or breaking phone
- Controlling money/bank accounts
- Withholding financial information
- Making account for expenditures
- Withholding child support
- Destroying property
- Taking or disabling car
- Taking keys/purse
- Quitting or losing jobs
- Running up debts
- Sabotaging work or school
Sexual Abuse
- Constant sexual demands
- Forcing unwanted sexual acts
- Insisting on unwanted and uncomfortable touching
- Committing rape or incest
- Forcing sadistic sexual acts
- Treating others as sex objects
- Making demeaning sexual remarks
- Forcing family members to see pornographic materials
- Calling fat, ugly, no good in bed
- Wanting sex after abuse
- Forcing to have sex with others
- Forcing pregnancy or abortion
Physical Abuse
- Holding down
- Hair pulling
- Poking, grabbing
- Pushing, shoving
- Locking in or out of house
- Subjecting to reckless driving
- Refuse to help when sick or injured
- Kicking, biting
- Hitting, slapping
- Choking, strangling
- Burning
- Throwing or hitting with objects
- Using a knife or gun
You may be trying to decide if you are in an abusive relationship or one that is becoming abusive. Although every situation is different, the following are some things you may want to consider.
You may be a victim of abuse if you have some or all of the following characteristics:
Overfunctioning or overachieving: You may tend to take on more than a reasonable share of responsibilities. You may have a high need to succeed and please others. Your abuser's failure to accept responsibility may force you to compensate for his/her behavior.
Feeling powerless: You may feel as though you have no control over your life. You may be immobilized by fear and feel that you "have to take it." Decisions about family, friends, and activities are based on how the abuser will react.
Continuous hope: You maintain hope for positive change in the abuser's conduct. Others may try to intervene and tell you that you do not deserve to be treated this way, but you may continue to hope.
Previous abuse: A significant portion of abuse victims were abused earlier in their lives within or outside of the family. Many also had mothers who were abused by their parents.
Decreased self-esteem: You may underestimate your true abilities and level of achievement. Self-esteem is likely to be eroded over time by constant criticism from the abuser such as name calling, put-downs, and belittling your achievements.
Identity concerns: You may lack a firm sense of individualization and autonomy. You may feel incomplete without a partner. Your identity may be or become strongly dependent upon your role as a partner/wife/mother.
Passive/dependent behavior: You may accept the traditional feminine role, often to an exaggerated degree. Your behavior may be reinforced by economic dependency and increasing feelings of helplessness and fear as the abuse continues.
Self-blame: The abuser blames you, and you may begin to believe it over time. You may accept responsibility for the abuser's actions. Anger turned inward often produces guilt.
Fear and denial: You may fear the abuser's anger, but you may also deny and minimize this fear. Denial and minimization are common coping strategies for surviving the abuse.
Stress: You may have severe stress reactions (headaches, stomachaches, sleeplessness, anxiety, etc.). You may spend an increasing amount of time trying not to make the abuser angry.
Social isolation: You may be isolated from family, friends, neighbors, and other forms of support, usually not by choice. The abuser may criticize and blame family and friends.
Determination and bravery: You are very strong physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Your strength helps you survive.
An abuser may have some or all of the following characteristics (There is no typical, easily identifiable abuser. The characteristics that follow may not be present in every abuser and are not necessary for their behavior to be considered abusive.):
Dual personalities: Abusers are often described as having a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality and are generally not known in the community as violent persons. Usually, abusers refrain from physical aggression outside of the home or other private settings. Attitude and behavior may change immediately once they are in a private place—where they think it is "safe" to be abusive. Abusers may be loving, kind, and remorseful at times, but this is all part of maintaining power and control.
Extreme jealousy: An abuser may suspect you of being unfaithful without any rational reason or evidence to support such a belief. An abuser may be jealous of any meaningful relationships you have with others, including those with parents, siblings, children, or friends.
Controlling and possessive behavior: An abuser may control your access to money, social relationships, job opportunities, and may monitor all your activities by making you account for any time apart or money spent. An abuser may treat you as a "possession" and may engage in seemingly "playful" but unwelcome use of force during sex.
Emotional dependency: An abuser may be emotionally dependent on you and may make constant demands for reassurance and gratification. An abuser may be hypersensitive to anything interpreted as criticism and may be critical of others and difficult to please.
Poor self-esteem: An abuser may feel inadequate about a variety of things, including (but not limited to) masculinity, sexuality, providing for the family, and parenting. These feelings may be masked by an extremely tough or "macho" image.
Roles: Abusers tend to enforce rigid gender roles or believe in the traditional male "head of the household" role.
Blame: Abusers may blame other people or circumstances for their behaviors, feelings, and problems.
Abusive history: A high proportion of abusers experienced abuse as children or witnessed abuse between their parents and learned this behavior (but this does not excuse their actions).
Unpredictable: Abusers' actions may be unpredictable, and you may feel as though you never know what the abuser will do next. Abusers may hold others, especially you, to unrealistically high expectations.
Social isolation: Abusers may have few friends outside the family and may have poor social skills. However, abusers may also be "social charmers" and have a lot of friends, none of whom would think they would be abusive (see "Dual personality" above).
Cruelty: Abusers may be cruel not only to you but to children and animals as well. They may be preoccupied with violence, guns, knives, etc.
Inappropriate use and display of anger: Abusers may use anger if they do not get what they want. They may display anger as verbal abuse, physical touching of any kind without your consent (even a kiss), threats of violence, and breaking/destroying objects of value to you.
- You have the right not to be abused.
- You have the right to be angry over past beatings.
- You have the right to choose to change the situation.
- You have the right to freedom from fear and abuse.
- You have the right to request and expect assistance from police and social agencies.
- You have the right to share your feelings and not be isolated from others.
- You have the right to be treated like an adult.
- You have the right to leave the battering environment.
- You have the right to privacy.
- You have the right to express your own thoughts and feelings.
- You have the right to develop your own individual talents and abilities.
- You have the right to legally prosecute the partner who is abusing you.
- You have the right not to be perfect.
1. Does you partner often throw or break things when angry?
People who throw or break things when angry are likely to use physical violence against their partners at some point in their relationship.
2. Are there two sets of "rules" for behavior (one person has more freedom than the other) in the relationship?
In a violent relationship, one partner controls the other partner's personal freedom. The abuser may have contact with people outside the family, but will accuse the victim of infidelity for the same behavior.
3. Does your relationship "swing" back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
Violence is often followed with the "Honeymoon" phase in which the batterer makes promises and tries to mend the relationship with the victim. Unless there is some kind of help for the battering, tension builds up in the relationship again until there is another violent incident.
4. Does your partner use sex to "make up"?
Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Sexual abuse happens when one person coerces another into a sexual relationship.
5. Do you feel like you can't discuss what is bothering you with your partner?
In a violent relationship, it is impossible for partners to have an honest discussion about concerns or feelings, or to negotiate compromises in the relationship. The victim cannot be honest without running the risk of being hurt.
6. Are you afraid of your partner?
It's hard to admit that a relationship is violent. But if you are afraid, you may be in a potentially violent situation.
7. Has your partner promised to change -- and then broken that promise?
If your partner has tried to mend a relationship by making promises, such as, stop drinking or stop hitting and has broken those promises, the relationship needs help from someone outside the family.
8. Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on each other?
Allowing oneself to become the sole emotional resource for another person, especially in an intimate relationship, is like walking into a trap. No matter how much in love, each partner needs to have their own life.
9. Does your partner's jealousy make you feel uncomfortable?
Jealousy and possessiveness are signs of control. Although a partner's jealousy may seem reassuring at first, for example during courtship, in the long run it becomes another way of controlling you. If you find that you avoid contact with other people because you are afraid your partner will be jealous, then the relationship is emotionally violent and may become physically violent.
10. Do your arguments get "physical"?
No person deserves to be hit or hurt under any circumstances.
If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may be in a violent relationship. Contact your local domestic violence shelter. For Putnam County, Ohio call Crime Victim Services at 419-523-1111, toll free at 1-877-CRISIS-1 for help and 24 hour crisis line. Elsewhere in Ohio, contact the Ohio Domestic Violence Network toll free at 1-800-934-9840. Nationally, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), TTY 1-800-787-3224.
People who don't know a lot about the dynamics of partner abuse may ask, "Why would someone stay in a violent relationship?" Some victims may ask themselves that same question. Here are some examples of things victims see as barriers to leaving their relationships. Though this list does not cover all victims' experiences, it provides a framework to better understand some dynamics of abusive relationships.
Victims may stay in abusive relationships because:
- They feel safer with their batterers because they know what they are up to.
- They're scared of their abusers. Victims believe that if they leave the relationship, their abusers will act on threats they've made in the past. Batterers often tell their victims they will hurt or kill them or people close to them, report them for welfare fraud or to Children Services, call the police on them for domestic violence, or "out" them to their family, friends or coworkers.
- Batterers often don't get serious consequences for their abusive behavior.
- Involving the police can make the violence worse because batterers feel threatened. If arrested, batterers can be let out of jail in a few hours and go after their victims for reporting the abuse.
- Even if another person calls about the abuse or the state picks up charges against them, batterers often blame their victims. Victims know this and often deny the abuse to avoid being beaten.
- Community resources for victims may not be well-known or easy to use. Victims may not know about their options.
- They may not receive help from the community because their abusers may be rich, well known or respected. Abusers are good at changing their personalities to hide abusive behavior in public.
- They may be used to focusing on the needs of their abusers and feel unsure about making decisions about their own safety and futures. When victims reach out for help, professionals often ask them to quickly decide their futures. Victims may feel uncomfortable with quick decision-making or big changes because they live in an environment where violent consequences discourage this.
- Victims often do not have the money to survive away from their abusers. Victims who leave with no money face homelessness.
- They may be afraid that if they report the violence, their batterers will lose their jobs or reputations.
- Social values cause victims to feel ashamed or embarrassed about the abuse.
- Victims may believe that outsiders shouldn't be involved in family matters.
- Gender roles, cultural and religious beliefs may make victims feel like they have to pretend that nothing is wrong at home. Victims may also define their self-worth by their relationship.
- They may believe their children are better off in a two-parent household. Batterers also focus on kids as a way to keep victims from leaving by threatening to take them away from the victims or hurt them if they leave.
- Isolation from their family and friends decreases options for leaving relationships. Batterers are sometimes the only people victims can go to for support. Because abusers feel threatened by their victims' relationships, they stop them from becoming close with others.
- Victims may only get limited support from their family and friends. Victims of partner abuse try to leave an average of four times before they succeed. People close to them may not understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a long process and think victims fail when they go back with their abusers. They may also tell victims that their abusers are good people, that the abuse is not as bad as they say, or to go back and try harder to make things work.
- They may believe their batterers' messages that the abuse is their fault, that it happens because of alcohol or drug use, that they just can't control their anger, or that no one else will ever want the victims. These messages attack victims' self-esteem and make them doubt the way they feel about the violence.
- Incidents of physical violence may occur in relatively short bursts. Afterward, their batterers may be gentle and loving, and promise to change, acts that are as manipulative as the physical violence. This is confusing to victims who may see their batterers as good, loving people most of the time. Their batterers may convince them that they will change and their relationships will get better. Victims may not want the relationship to end, just the violence.
- They may have seen fighting in their homes while growing up and accept that violence in relationships is ok. Abusers also learn how to be violent from their families of origin. Growing up in violent homes may create a bond of common experience between abusers and victims.
- They may feel like their abusers need them and they can help them change.
- Victims may feel that if only they would change and stop making mistakes, then their abusers would stop hurting them.
- Victims may fear being alone or miss their abusers when they are separated. Victims may love their abusive partners and need the space to grieve the loss of their relationships.
- Victims may not recognize what constitutes "abuse" in their relationship. They may know their relationships are bad, but not see the abuse as the reason for this. Victims may feel that their batterers' substance abuse, money problems, or stress outside the relationships cause the turmoil, not their abusers' violence.
- Victims may not know that they have the right to be safe and live lives free from violence.
If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may be in a violent relationship. Contact your local domestic violence shelter. For Putnam County, Ohio call Crime Victim Services at 419-523-1111, toll free at 1-877-CRISIS-1 for help and 24 hour crisis line. Elsewhere in Ohio, contact the Ohio Domestic Violence Network toll free at 1-800-934-9840. Nationally, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Directions: For each question below, indicate the number of points, 0 - 3, that best describes your relationship with your husband or male partner.
Points
- 3 - Frequently
- 2 - Sometimes
- 1 - Rarely
- 0 - Never
|
To score your responses simply add up the points for each question. This sum is your Abuse Index Score. To get some idea of how abusive your relationship is, compare your Index Score with the following chart:
| 92 - 100 | Dangerously Abusive |
| 35 - 91 | Seriously Abusive |
| 13 - 34 | Moderately Abusive |
| 1 - 12 | Slightly Abusive |
| 0 | Not Abusive |
You may have a friend, relative, neighbor, or co-worker who is being abused. You may have witnessed the violence, heard it, seen physical signs of it, or merely suspected it for various reasons. What should you do?
- Ask direct questions, gently. Give her ample opportunity to talk. Don't rush into providing solutions.
- Listen - without judging. Abused women often believe their abusers' negative messages. They feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate, and are afraid they will be judged.
- Let her know that you support and care about her, that she's not responsible for the violence, that only the abuser can stop the violence.
- Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable, at any time. There's no excuse for it - not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressures, not depression, not jealousy.
- Make sure she knows that she's not alone - millions of American women from every ethnic, racial and socioeconomic group suffer from abuse.
- Explain that domestic violence is a crime and that she can seek protection from the justice system. She will need her batterer's social security number and license plate numbers if she chooses to seek a protection order.
- If she has children, reinforce her concern for them, letting her know that domestic violence is damaging to children. You may want to reach out to support her children, and let them know you're there for them, too.
- Let her know that it is likely that, in spite of his promises, the violence will continue and, probably escalate.
- Emphasize that when she is ready, she can make a choice to leave the relationship, and that there is help available.
- Provide her with information about local resources - the phone number of the local domestic violence hotline, support groups, counseling, shelter programs, and legal advocacy services.
- She may need financial assistance, or help finding a place to live, or a place to store her belongings. She may need assistance to escape. Decide if you feel comfortable helping out in these ways.
- If she is planning to leave, remind her to take important papers with her, such as birth certificates, passports, health insurance documents, etc.
- If she remains in the relationship, continue to be her friend while at the same time communicating to her that she and her children do not deserve to be in this violent situation.
- If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police. But because these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.
Who Are The Men Who Batter?
Men who batter come from all socioeconomic backgrounds, races, ethnicities, and all walks of life. The abuser may be a blue-collar worker or white-collar worker, or unemployed. He may be a drinker or nondrinker. Batters represent all different personalities, family background and professions.
Most abusers do not have a criminal record, and batterers are generally law abiding outside the home. Often the physical force is used as a tool to achieve power and control over their female partner. Many batterers grew up in homes where they or a sibling were physically abused or where their mother was abused by their father. Witnessing domestic violence as a child has been identified as the most common risk factor for becoming a batterer in adulthood.
There are many social and psychological causes of violence. Men who batter must learn and understand the factors that contribute to their violent tendencies. Men who batter must learn adaptive ways of dealing with their feelings and relating to others.
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- Control through criticism
- Control through moodiness, anger, threats
- Control through money
- Control through shifting responsibility
- Control through limiting contact with other people
- Control through physical intimidation
- Control through sexual humiliation
- Control through overprotection and "caring"
- Control through denying perceptions
- Control through homophobia
- Control by ignoring needs and opinions
- Control through decision making
- Control through physical and sexual violence