Children Who Live With Violence
Children Who Are Abused
Escape Plan For Children
Signs of Child Abuse or Neglect
Possible Symptoms In Children Who Witness Their Mother's Abuse
Children's Typical Responses To Domestic Violence Listed by Age Group
Impact Of Domestic Violence At Difference Stages Of Child Development
Children's Rights

Domestic violence may be kept from relatives, neighbors, clergy, or others, but children living with violence know what is happening.

In Ann Jones and Susan Schechter's 1993 book, When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right, one woman tells her story:

Glenn never started in on me until after I put Elaine to bed. I thought she never knew. Then one morning—she must have been six or seven—she looked up at me from the breakfast table and asked, "Did Daddy kill you this time?" I stood right there and watched my own denial system crumble. I always thought, "He's good to her. She needs him. I'm staying for her." But it was a lot more complicated and terrifying for her then I had seen. (p.248)

A home that is characterized by physical, emotional, sexual, or property abuse is frightening, debilitating and unhealthy place. Children who live in such a home are often not able to be children. Psychologist Ruth Olsen says all children are affected. The signs may be different based on how children interpret the experience of witnessing the violence.

Some factors that may determine how children will be affected are: how they have learned to cope and survive with the stress of living in a violent home; to what extent they have supports and to what extent they use supports, like friends, relatives or other adults. Each of these factors influences how deeply the violence will affect children. As you read this list you may confront some feelings of guilt. Just remember that you can do something beneficial for your children and their future.

Children may have some or all of these feelings:

• Guilt—feeling responsible for the violence
  
• Shame—something's wrong with my family
  
• Fear—of expressing feelings, of divorce or separation, of the unknown, of injury
  
• Anger—about the violence or the chaos in their life
  
• Depressed/Helpless/Powerless—unable to change things
  
• Burdened—may feel like a substitute parent or caretaker of family
  
  

Children may express these feelings by behaving in some or all of these ways:

• May act out against others or they may withdraw from others
  
• May become over achievers, acting like small adults
  
• May have difficulty paying attention and concentrating
  
• May become caretakers, worrying about the needs of others more than themselves
  
• May be too aggressive or too passive
  
• May be rigid, sarcastic, blaming or defensive
  
• May have sleeplessness, fears of going to sleep, nightmares, dreams of danger
  
• May experience bed-wetting, eating problems, or medical problems like asthma or ulcers
  
• May be without friends, or friendships may start intensely then end abruptly
  
• May be uncomfortable bringing friends home to play
  
• May have difficulty trusting others (likely due to abuser's false promises to change)
  
• May be excessively social in an attempt to stay away from home
  
• May be passive with others or may seek power as a bully or aggressor
  
• May believe it's okay to hit others you care about in order to get what you want, express anger, feel powerful, or get your needs met
  
• May have a low self-concept or self-esteem
  
• May not ask for what they need
  
• May think that feeling angry is bad because people get hurt
  
• May define the roles of man/woman/parent according to what they see in their own family
  
  

Although it may be difficult to talk to your children about it, tell them the truth about the abuse. Allow your children to talk freely about their feelings. Answer their questions honestly but in a way that is appropriate for their ages. Let your children know that the abuser's behavior is not acceptable, but it is okay to love or miss the abuser, too. Acknowledge the loss they may be feeling. Do not discuss with others the specifics of the situation or your feelings about your partner in front of your children—have adult discussions with adults. It is ok to cry in front of your children. This lets them know that their feelings are normal, and it gives them permission to express their own feelings.

There are things that you can do to protect your children. Talk about when the violence is most likely to occur. Depending on your situation, you may have to tell your children there is a possibility that the abusive person may not be a part of their lives any longer. You may have to say, "If this person can't get help and learn a new way to behave, we may have to live without this person because that's the only way to keep ourselves safe."

Set boundaries with your children. They need to know that they are not the cause of the violence, and they cannot control or stop what is happening. Tell them what they can do to safely help you. Be prepared with a plan. Here are some suggestions that you may use to plan with your children:

• Teach your children their area code, phone number, and address.
  
• Prepare yourself and your children for the possibility of leaving to find a safe place if you are in danger.
  
• Find a neighbor that the children can run to; if no neighbor is available, children can plan to sit in the car during violent episodes.
  
• Teach your children to call 911 or 0; tell them to call 911 or 0 once they have reached safety (either a safe room in the house or a safe place outside the house).
  
• If your child is a teen and can drive, keep an extra set of keys so he or she can drive to safety and get help.
  
  

An example of a child's escape plan for you to use with your children follows this piece. It can help you talk about the abuse with your children and make a plan with them. If you have teens in the house, you may need a different approach to protect them. Teens are old enough to start fighting back, and this puts them at a greater risk. No matter how independent they seem, they need your help to sort it all out. Talk with your teen, keep the lines of communication open.

Here are some resources that may be helpful to you as you discuss your situation with your children and plan for their safety:

Mothers On Trial, The Battle For Children and Custody, by Phyllis Chesler

Something Is Wrong At My House, by Diane Davis

When Mommy Got Hurt, A Story for Young Children about Domestic Violence, by Ilene Lee and Kathy Sylvester

A Manual on Non Violence and Children, by Kathy Judnon

Something Happened At My House and I'm Scared To Tell, by Patricia Kehow, Ph.D.

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As you are considering your situation and trying to help your children, you may need to realize that the abuse may also be directed toward your children. A large number of people who abuse their partners also abuse their children. Here are some types of abuse and some signs that are seen in children who are experiencing abuse.

Physical Child Abuse – non-accidental injury or pattern of injuries to a child. Some examples include slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, pushing, restraining, pulling hair, pulling ears, cutting, biting or burning. Children may show physical signs like bruising, broken bones, lacerations, swollen areas, missing hair, bite marks or burn marks. Children may state bizarre or impossible explanations for how they were injured, and the abuser may offer an inadequate or conflicting explanation for the injury.

Child Neglect – depriving a child of the physical care and protection that normal human growth requires. Some examples include: failing to feed or clothe adequately or appropriately, failing to ensure adequate sleep or good hygiene, or failing to attend to medical needs. Children may show signs of hunger, dehydration, bloating or malnutrition, dirtiness, sleepiness or frequent illness.

Child Sexual Abuse –sexual contact between a child and an adult or older child. It may be physical (the abuser touching the child or the abuser inducing the child to touch him or her) or nonphysical (compelling the child to watch or listen to sexually explicit material or behavior).

Sexual Abuse is always coerced. The coercion may happen by physical force, by bribes, or by intimidation. Some examples include: talking to a child in a sexually explicit manner; kissing or fondling inappropriately or against a child's will; exposing adult genitals to a child; exposing a child's genitals, coercing a child to touch adult sexual parts; touching a child's sexual parts under the pretense of a game; exposing a child to pornography; exposing a child to sexual assault of mother; exposing a child to adult sexual relations; penetrating with fingers, objects or intercourse.

Children may show physical signs like irritation or reddened genitals, itching of genitals or anus, pain or injury to genital area or the mouth, vaginal or penile discharge, or difficulty urinating. Children may show other signs like fear of a person (if the abuser is a parent, the child may show no fear in his or her presence); clinging, anxious, or irritable behavior; nightmares; bed-wetting; fear of the dark; difficulty falling asleep; excessive crying; withdrawal from peer relationships; sudden interest in genitals of others; sexual acts; or use of sexual terminology.

Psychological Abuse –a form of abuse that impairs a child's normal psychological growth and development. Some examples are yelling, swearing, ignoring, criticizing, mocking, name calling, blaming, and threatening with violence or abandonment. Children may show signs like fear, withdrawal, isolation, excessive showing-off or attention-seeking behavior, temper tantrums, hostility, or perfectionism.

If you suspect that your children are being abused you need to listen to them, believe them, and then act to help them. If your child has been abused you can take the following steps:

• Get your child any medical treatment he or she needs.
  
• Report the abuse (see explanation below).
  
• Reassure your children that the abuse is not their fault and did not happen because of anything that they did.
  
  

Even if you are planning to stay with the abuser, you need to try to protect your child. Find someone that you trust, and explain what is happening. It may be a domestic violence crisis line, a shelter worker, a social worker, a police officer, a friend, or a pastor. It can be anyone who can act as your advocate to assist you and your children.

Reporting Child Abuse –It is important to remember that, for the safety of the children, many professionals are required by law to report suspected or known child abuse to Children's Protective Services. The professional with whom you choose to share your concerns about your child's safety may be a mandated reporter.

Here is a list of those professionals who are mandated to report child abuse to Children's Protective Services:

• Attorneys
  
• Audiologists
  
• Child care workers
  
• Children services personnel
  
• Clergy
  
• Coroners
  
• Day care personnel
  
• Dentists
  
• Nurses
  
• Physicians (including hospital interns and residents)
  
• Podiatrists
  
• Psychologists
  
• School authorities
  
• School employees
  
• School psychologists (licensed)
  
• School teachers
  
• Social workers (including domestic violence advocates)
  
• Speech pathologists
  

Some exceptions may apply to this list. You may ask the professional to whom you are speaking what his/her reporting requirements are.

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You have the right to feel safe. Home can sometimes be a place that is not safe because someone is using their body and/or words to hurt the people in your home. This is a safety plan for you to follow when someone in your home becomes violent, and you feel scared.

• I will know how to call 911 or 0 for help.
  
• I can tell a family member or a friend.
  
• I can talk with my school teacher or counselor.
  
• I can save money for a phone call at a pay phone.
  
• If I have a house key, I will keep it in a safe place.
  
• I will keep a few of my favorite things together in case we have to leave suddenly.
  
  

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Physical Indicators

• Unexplained bruises and welts that are in various stages of healing
  
• Clusters of injuries that form patterns or reflect the shape of an article used to inflict damage
  
• Unexplained burns from cigars or cigarettes especially on feet or hands, back and buttocks
  
• Immersion burns that form patterns that are sock-like, glove-like, or doughnut shaped on buttocks or genitalia
  
• Rope burns on arms, legs, neck or torso
  
• Infected burns or injuries, indicating a delay in seeking treatment
  
• Injuries on several different surface areas
  
• Injuries that regularly appear after the child's absence, weekend or vacation
  

Behavioral Indicators

• Feels deserving of punishment
  
• Wary of adult contact or frightened of parents
  
• Apprehensive when other children cry
  
• Behavioral extremes of aggression or withdrawal
  
• Afraid to go home
  
• Reports injury by parent
  
• Vacant or frozen stare
  
• Lies very still while surveying surroundings (for infants)
  
• Responds to question in monosyllables
  
• Inappropriate or precocious maturity
  
• Manipulative behavior to get attention
  
• Capable of only superficial relationships
  
• Indiscriminately seeks affection
  
  

Physical Indicators

• Chronic uncleanliness
  
• Poor hygiene, lice, scabies
  
• Severe or untreated diaper rash
  
• Height and weight significantly below age level norms
  
• Unsuitable clothing
  
• Untreated illness or injury
  
• Constant fatigue, listlessness or falling asleep in class
  

Behavioral Indicators

• Delinquency
  
• States there is no caretaker
  
• Early or late arrival at school
  
• Attendance problems
  
• Delayed speech
  
• Assuming adult responsibility and concerns
  
  

Physical Indicators

• Difficulty in walking or sitting
  
• Torn, stained or bloody underclothing
  
• Pain, swelling or itching in genital area
  
• Bruises, bleeding or lacerations in external genitalia, vaginal, or anal areas
  
• Venereal disease, especially in pre-teens
  
• Poor sphincter tone
  
• Pregnancy
  

Behavioral Indicators

• Unwilling to change for participation in physical education class
  
• Withdrawal, fantasy or infantile behavior
  
• Bizarre, sophisticated or unusual sexual behavior or knowledge
  
• Poor peer relationships
  
• Delinquent or runaway
  
• Reports sexual assault by caretaker
  
• Change in performance in school
  
  

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• Sleeplessness, fears of going to sleep, nightmares, dreams of danger
  
• Headaches, stomachaches
  
• Anxiety about being hurt or killed, hypervigilance about danger
  
• Fighting with others, hurting other children or animals
  
• Temper tantrums
  
• Withdrawal from other people and activities
  
• Listlessness, depression, little energy for life
  
• Feelings of loneliness and isolation
  
• Substance abuse
  
• Suicide attempts or engaging in dangerous behavior
  
• Fears of going to school or of separating from mother, truancy
  
• Stealing
  
• Frozen watchfulness or excessive fear
  
• Acting perfect, overachieving, behaving like small adults
  
• Worrying, difficulties in concentrating and paying attention
  
• Bed-wetting or regression to earlier developmental stages
  
• Eating problems
  
• Medical problems like asthma, arthritis ulcers
  
• Denial of any problem or dissociation
  
• Identification with aggressor

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Under 2 years

• Respond to loud noises, etc. with increased fear (crying, "startle reflex")
  
• Developmental delays (slower to walk, talk, etc.)
  
• Nightmares and sleep disturbances
  

2 – 5 Years

• Regressive behavior (loses toilet training, uses baby talk, wants bottle/pacifier, etc.)
  
• Somatic problems (stomach aches, pains, etc. that have no apparent cause)
  
• Nightmares and sleep disturbances
  
• Hypervigilance and "clingy" behavior
  
• Repetitive play which acts out the domestic violence
  
• Increased sibling violence
  
• Cruelty to animals
  
• Developmental delays (slow to learn colors, ABC's etc.)
  
• Decreased playfulness and spontaneous behavior
  
• Feel responsibility for violence in family (if they behaved better, it would not occur)
  
• Increased dependence on primary care giver (usually the non-abusive parent)
  

6 – 12 Years

• Increased problems at school
  
• Increased acting out and behavior problems (lying, aggression, stealing, truancy, etc.)
  
• May be labeled as having attention problems or learning disabilities
  
• May withdraw and become reclusive rather than acting out
  
• May take on role of "family hero" or caregiver
  
• Increased anger at victim of violence (it is unsafe to direct anger at abuser)
  
• Develop inflated sense of responsibility (become a "little adult")
  
• May learn to disrespect victim of violence because abuser models/encourages that behavior
  
• Confuse love and violence (learn that people hit those they love)
  
• Develop emotional problems such as depression
  
  

12 –18 Years

• Aggressive behavior (belief that violence can solve problems and be used to control others)
  
• Severe behavior and emotional problems (running away, theft, depression, anxiety)
  
• Develops rigid sex roles (beliefs about what behaviors are permissible for each gender)
  
• Increased incidence of dating violence (either being violent or being the victim of violence)
  
• Self-destructive behavior (use of drugs/alcohol, eating disorders, promiscuity, etc.)
  
• Increased risk for early marriage and/or teen pregnancy (as escape from parents)
  
• Increased risk of suicide and homicide (killing of abuser)
  
• Develop poor boundaries (too closed off or too open)
  
• Develop distrust for most authority figures (or all adults)
  
  

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At different stages, the impact of domestic violence can have different effects.

Fetus

Pregnancy denotes change in a relationship. It can be threatening to a batterer because they might/will have to share their partners attention and time. A fetus is at high risk for birth defects if his/her mother is battered during pregnancy. The fetus may be indirectly or directly injured. The fetus' sleeping patterns are started and respond to the mother's stress and surges of adrenaline. Likewise, a fetus hears sounds of rage, threats and conflict.

Infants

The batterer's tactics and abuse sabotages the parental bonding. This consequently impacts the child's developing sense of security and ability to form stable relationships. The batterer's hostile voice, abuse of a family pet, slamming objects or doors impacts the infants senses. Infants too, are not able to leave the frightening event and therefore remain helpless and sometimes physically harmed during the yelling or physically abusive assault.

Toddlers

Young children subjected to the emotional turmoil and frightening abuse can show signs of extreme neediness. Speech may be affected, potty training may be delayed or regressed, sleeping may be interrupted due to the fear of waking to nightly arguments. Extreme issues of separation anxiety may also be displayed.

School Aged

Batterer may prevent social activities and bonding with peers through functions in school or churches. Poor academic performance may result from inability to concentrate, frequent absences, and frequent school transfers. School phobia, fear of leaving the parent alone, inability to focus, and sadness all can effect school performance.

Adolescents

They mimic the violent behavior outside the home. Many adolescents assume inappropriate responsibility for protecting the mother or raising younger siblings. Adolescents from violent homes are also at greater risk of becoming runaways or attempting suicide to escape the violence. Many times, teens attempt to stop the violence by fighting or threatening to fight. Adolescent males may kill their mother's abuser.

Problem Resolution

Before a discussion of the short and longer term problem resolution can occur, two notions must be argued. The first involves the issue of ideological dualism, which operates is this country: Americans profess that ours is a child-oriented society, yet adequate services and equal rights for children are not universally available. Children are the most vulnerable members of our society because they are economically and physically dependent upon the adult authority figures. Differing values regarding children's rights perpetuate the transmission of violence. The empowerment of children can be threatening, and breaking down the barrier of silence concerning family violence can be filled with risk and resistance.

Secondly, the issue of confronting domestic violence is complex due to the characteristics and behaviors manifested by the members of the family, coupled with the phenomenon of secrecy which exists between the child's home and the outside environment. Domestic violence is not an area in which professionals are working with voluntary clients, accepting of the assistance. Resistance and denial of the violence can occur, subsequently limiting access to the children who are exposed to the violence and in dire need of supportive services.

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1. Children have the right to be free from violence, including spanking, and all forms of abuse and coercive control, including rejection.
   
2. Children have the right to be treated with respect for their personhood, including protection from patronizing language and verbal threats.
   
3. Children have a right to be treated with respect for their individual autonomy, including the right to confidentiality and recognition of personal boundaries.
   
4. Children have the right to honesty in communication in age and developmentally appropriate terms.
   
5. Children have the right to expression of their feelings without judgment about the content or method of their expression and the right to education about appropriate ways to express feelings.
   
6. Children have the right to participate in the planning and their involvement in the services provided to them including the right to information, options, and support in making decisions.
   
7. Children have the right to be seen as persons with many needs including needs of love and nurturing, spiritual, cultural, physical, nutritional, intellectual, healthy sexual development, entertainment and fun, sharing and community, stability and structure, consistency and limitations, and contribution and challenges.
   
8. Children have the right to access to quality services including education, mental health, substance abuse, health, legal, and recreational.
   
9. Children have the right to be treated as primary clients with their own space and ability to access staff time and attention.
   
10. Children have the right to be educated, informed and aware of their rights.

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